I moved out and transfered somewhere across my school. So what now? I didn't know what I was thinking but surely, this is the right thing to do. I was born with many issues and I will die with this curse. Confusions and inner struggles will never be detached from my system. I've already embraced those facts. Whenever I'm depressed, I became evil. And so, I became tired of seeing those angry eyes in the mirror. I'm tired of cursing at people, breaking the nearest thing I see, bullying the nerdiest student in school, drinking until I get out of control, smoking regardless of its' effects, witnessing the fall of my loved ones because of me and running away whenever guilt hit me. It's hard to draw a smile on my face, so fragile, I think it would break easily. I am wrong of my ways of everything I've had in mind. The mask that I've been wearing has been saving me from an approaching confrontation. I am down to this new era of my life where I'm restarting my journey.
June 7, 2008
I was with my childhood friends, catching up things while sipping the content of the transparent glass in my hand. More shots came on after my first turn, until I felt like my world was whirling. I mustn't go home like that so I asked my friend if I could crash to her place and so I did. I couldn't sleep so I went outside, moments later, my friend came up to me. She asked me the same question that many are fun of asking me, "What exactly just happened to you?" I knew my face was all red and my heart was palpitating very fast, then suddenly, I cried. For reasons I was not sure why. Maybe because of the confusions that has been engulfing me lately. I'm not sure. But right on that moment, I felt so helpless and in need of someone to absorb that overpowering emotion. Right on that moment, I put my head to her chest and she embraced me and gently tapped my back. But then when I came back to my senses, I let go and walked away. Though I went home relieved, I still find myself idiot for letting it to happen. But do you think tears are sign of your weakness? I need to know, for I've been shedding tears lately and it's not normal anymore.
June 8, 2008
I supposed to transfer today but I got tired from last night's madness. Put it this way, that crying-for-no-reason-why thingy was not cool for me. So I went out to catch some fresh air but then my friend saw me hitting glances outside the gate and so he asked me if I could join them. They were drinking actually because they're celebrating my neighbor's Birthday. I walked to their direction and sat with them, I had few shots then I decided to hit back the house and sleep.
June 9, 2008
I'm already here in the boarding house and I've just finished unpacking my stuffs. I'm excited because tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll be meeting my friends. But at the same time, I'm scared because of this new set up. The place is new, the bed is new, I have room mates, I've to follow rules, I've to wash my own clothes, I've to hold my own budget and I've to live by my own now. I've been wanting to live away from my family because I find them not capable of understanding and trusting me. I'm hurt but I don't entirely throw them all the blame, I also have faults but telling them everything inside me won't lessen the coldness we've had for each other. Good luck to me!
June 10, 2008
I have a very close friend who happens to be also my board mate, she introduced me to the other boarders. And since today is the first day of school and our tuition fee amounted by 12%, I'm expecting same faces in the hallway or circle of friends in the kiosk. But then when me and my friends were inside, freshmen dominated the whole campus. I was planning to adjust my broken schedule but when I saw the long line of adjusters in the department, I backed out. Classes for this week is still irregular so we spent our time wandering around campus until we decided to come here. We arrived here around 3 in the afternoon, we bought some chips and booze. We had fun actually. We headed back to our boarding house around 8 in the evening. I was about to sleep when my friend and the other boarders woke me up and invited me to drink with them. And since I'm new and of course, I wanted to get to know them more so I said yes. Hours had passed and things gone great for everyone in the circle. We laughed and shared ideas about many things. And because of that night, I was able to dig in to their personality. Slowly, I'm opening up and slowly, I'm regaining what I've lost.
June 11, 2008
Today that I've just remembered that yesterday was my ex's birthday. Yesterday was Francis Anthony's day and I forgot to greet him. Sorry Ton. We'll I already dropped my greeting a while ago through friendster comment. I'm happy seeing him happy with someone else, believe me not but it's true. Though sometimes, when memories visit me, it saddens me but then it happened long long time ago and I've moved on and so as he. But I admit, when our story ended, it's not the same anymore. I still remember how our last night went through.
It was the night that I'm sure I'll never forget. I asked him to let me go because I love him but we're not moving forward. I've reached to the point where loving him caused me more pain. I got tired of sacrificing for the sake of our relationship. I became blind about so many things when I gave my heart to him unselfishly. That last kiss has turned my days and nights without him uneasy. That last touch of tight embrace has made it so hard for me to look at him as I walked away from his direction. And that last word of goodbye has made it even harder for me to forget everything that we've shared. I knew, once our time will be over, I will never get to stare at him with so much happiness. I will never get to witness his ups and downs. I will never get to see his pretty eyes and smell his scent. I will never get to laugh and dream with him. I will never get to touch his fine hair down to his soft face. I will never get to hear his tempting voice whenever he tries to woo me. I will never get to see him the moment I cast my step away. Unbearable kind of loneliness, I then felt. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and years had passed but I'm still down to this place where he last saw me standing dismayingly.
I miss you Ton. I'm sorry for not hanging on. Happy Birthday again.
June 12, 2008
I counted the months that I've spent of being such a foolish person. I must put a stop to the meanest thing I've ever done to myself as far as my calculation's concern. Now I came to this point where I'm slowly engaging myself to a new way of upgrading my interests to save my world from completely falling apart. Today, I wanted to just be with the people who give me the best company recently. I believe that this is almost over and that I've taken so much of my time to be in this position. I'm glad of what's happening in my life right now.
June 13, 2008
Thank God it's Friday! Adjustment period is over and next week will be more drastic in school. I've got nothing more to say but to post my schedule here.
MWF subjects:
TTh subjects:
June 7, 2008
I was with my childhood friends, catching up things while sipping the content of the transparent glass in my hand. More shots came on after my first turn, until I felt like my world was whirling. I mustn't go home like that so I asked my friend if I could crash to her place and so I did. I couldn't sleep so I went outside, moments later, my friend came up to me. She asked me the same question that many are fun of asking me, "What exactly just happened to you?" I knew my face was all red and my heart was palpitating very fast, then suddenly, I cried. For reasons I was not sure why. Maybe because of the confusions that has been engulfing me lately. I'm not sure. But right on that moment, I felt so helpless and in need of someone to absorb that overpowering emotion. Right on that moment, I put my head to her chest and she embraced me and gently tapped my back. But then when I came back to my senses, I let go and walked away. Though I went home relieved, I still find myself idiot for letting it to happen. But do you think tears are sign of your weakness? I need to know, for I've been shedding tears lately and it's not normal anymore.
June 8, 2008
I supposed to transfer today but I got tired from last night's madness. Put it this way, that crying-for-no-reason-why thingy was not cool for me. So I went out to catch some fresh air but then my friend saw me hitting glances outside the gate and so he asked me if I could join them. They were drinking actually because they're celebrating my neighbor's Birthday. I walked to their direction and sat with them, I had few shots then I decided to hit back the house and sleep.
June 9, 2008
I'm already here in the boarding house and I've just finished unpacking my stuffs. I'm excited because tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll be meeting my friends. But at the same time, I'm scared because of this new set up. The place is new, the bed is new, I have room mates, I've to follow rules, I've to wash my own clothes, I've to hold my own budget and I've to live by my own now. I've been wanting to live away from my family because I find them not capable of understanding and trusting me. I'm hurt but I don't entirely throw them all the blame, I also have faults but telling them everything inside me won't lessen the coldness we've had for each other. Good luck to me!
June 10, 2008
I have a very close friend who happens to be also my board mate, she introduced me to the other boarders. And since today is the first day of school and our tuition fee amounted by 12%, I'm expecting same faces in the hallway or circle of friends in the kiosk. But then when me and my friends were inside, freshmen dominated the whole campus. I was planning to adjust my broken schedule but when I saw the long line of adjusters in the department, I backed out. Classes for this week is still irregular so we spent our time wandering around campus until we decided to come here. We arrived here around 3 in the afternoon, we bought some chips and booze. We had fun actually. We headed back to our boarding house around 8 in the evening. I was about to sleep when my friend and the other boarders woke me up and invited me to drink with them. And since I'm new and of course, I wanted to get to know them more so I said yes. Hours had passed and things gone great for everyone in the circle. We laughed and shared ideas about many things. And because of that night, I was able to dig in to their personality. Slowly, I'm opening up and slowly, I'm regaining what I've lost.
June 11, 2008
Today that I've just remembered that yesterday was my ex's birthday. Yesterday was Francis Anthony's day and I forgot to greet him. Sorry Ton. We'll I already dropped my greeting a while ago through friendster comment. I'm happy seeing him happy with someone else, believe me not but it's true. Though sometimes, when memories visit me, it saddens me but then it happened long long time ago and I've moved on and so as he. But I admit, when our story ended, it's not the same anymore. I still remember how our last night went through.
It was the night that I'm sure I'll never forget. I asked him to let me go because I love him but we're not moving forward. I've reached to the point where loving him caused me more pain. I got tired of sacrificing for the sake of our relationship. I became blind about so many things when I gave my heart to him unselfishly. That last kiss has turned my days and nights without him uneasy. That last touch of tight embrace has made it so hard for me to look at him as I walked away from his direction. And that last word of goodbye has made it even harder for me to forget everything that we've shared. I knew, once our time will be over, I will never get to stare at him with so much happiness. I will never get to witness his ups and downs. I will never get to see his pretty eyes and smell his scent. I will never get to laugh and dream with him. I will never get to touch his fine hair down to his soft face. I will never get to hear his tempting voice whenever he tries to woo me. I will never get to see him the moment I cast my step away. Unbearable kind of loneliness, I then felt. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and years had passed but I'm still down to this place where he last saw me standing dismayingly.
I miss you Ton. I'm sorry for not hanging on. Happy Birthday again.
June 12, 2008
I counted the months that I've spent of being such a foolish person. I must put a stop to the meanest thing I've ever done to myself as far as my calculation's concern. Now I came to this point where I'm slowly engaging myself to a new way of upgrading my interests to save my world from completely falling apart. Today, I wanted to just be with the people who give me the best company recently. I believe that this is almost over and that I've taken so much of my time to be in this position. I'm glad of what's happening in my life right now.
June 13, 2008
Thank God it's Friday! Adjustment period is over and next week will be more drastic in school. I've got nothing more to say but to post my schedule here.
MWF subjects:
BA-HRDM 25 7:30-8:30
FINC 11 8:30-9:30
LIT 2 11:30-12:30
BA 107B 12:30-13:30
BA-HRDM 34 16:30-17:30
PE 13.B 17:30-18:30
FINC 11 8:30-9:30
LIT 2 11:30-12:30
BA 107B 12:30-13:30
BA-HRDM 34 16:30-17:30
PE 13.B 17:30-18:30
TTh subjects:
BA-HRDM 31 9:00-12:00
BA-HRDM 32 15:00-16:30
Good thing I'm boarding, ayt? :)
BA-HRDM 32 15:00-16:30
Good thing I'm boarding, ayt? :)
June 14, 2008
I'm alone in this lonely house for 11 hours now, what do you expect? You know, I'm trying to get rid of those wonderful and hurtful moments in my life with the people who used to be special to me. Right now, all I wanna do is to go back to the main city and enjoy someone's company. Because there, I can refrain myself from thinking of many people. My own home is not giving me the kind of tranquilizing ambiance that I've been wanting to have for so long. Perhaps my stay here is not a good idea. I can't stand the silence and my family's presence and the music in my player. I can't stand the memories in every corner. I just can't stand living here any longer. :(
I'm alone in this lonely house for 11 hours now, what do you expect? You know, I'm trying to get rid of those wonderful and hurtful moments in my life with the people who used to be special to me. Right now, all I wanna do is to go back to the main city and enjoy someone's company. Because there, I can refrain myself from thinking of many people. My own home is not giving me the kind of tranquilizing ambiance that I've been wanting to have for so long. Perhaps my stay here is not a good idea. I can't stand the silence and my family's presence and the music in my player. I can't stand the memories in every corner. I just can't stand living here any longer. :(
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