Still feeling Deprived of Happiness

When I lost my emotions, my interests faded away afterwards. I feel different lately that even me, can't understand my actions. It's not that I'm washing hands, but there are so many inconsiderate things that's been occupying me. I can feel the extreme level of change rushing throughout my system. I feel like my determination to live up to the expectations of others had reverted me. I'm forcing myself too much to do the things that I'm not fond of doing. Or maybe, I'm tired enumerating all my mistakes and regrets in life. Or maybe, I'm clinging too hard to the idea of past love. Or maybe, I still think that there's still hope that's why I refuse to forget someone. And or maybe, I just thought I've tried but never actually did. :(

For years of pretending to be strong, I can no longer remember giving myself a break. I'm talking less and want to be alone for now. I lost my touch in mingling people and my interest to meet new faces is now gone. This empty feeling, I don't know how long will I be like this. The people whom I knew for so long were the ones I'd like to stay by my side at this moment. It's hard for me to show interest to any new things now, I also run out of inspiration to make new pieces. My mind's been up to something but still couldn't figure it out exactly. It's changing me into something that I am not. I have a strong feeling that any minute now, I'm gonna lost my desires in writing and sketching. I know I'm not good but if I'll put my 100% on those hobbies, surely it would be great. But the thing is, I'm slowly transformed by different kinds of pressures. I find myself stuck in a maze, don't know which one's way out to my freedom. I'm collecting regrets, mistakes, unfortunate events and pitiful experiences. I wanna throw away those and lift myself to a higher stage of self-management. I want to be the person my family would be proud of but everyday, I commit mistakes. Like there's no room for me to make things right and that whatever I do, I can't stop bad things from happening. I'm in no control.

I'm losing gradually everything that I've had. I'm so stupid to be so insensitive about what others may think and feel pertaining to my arrogant behavior. Even so, I still can't understand why I can't feel the right way to feel. My heart is giving me vague signs to what should be expressed and felt. I'm the dumbest numb ever!

My world ain't moving and I really really don't wanna hurt my loved ones anymore. I'm sorry.

Deprived of Happiness

Yes, I am loved by a lot of people. But I have many misconceptions in life and because of those immaturity, I've hurt most of the people close to me. Sometimes, I sit still in one area and ponder for hours. What really am I living for? I don't even know what are those so called dreams that everyone's fond of. Those dreams that they've built to light their way. I'm not proud of myself because I've never achieved anything for them and I feel sorry for myself. But I hide this feeling for me to look strong, yes I've been pretending. Like how I flash smiles at people but deep inside, I'm criticizing them for the life that they had.

Sometimes, I push the pedal fast until it reaches me to a quiet place. Where again, I sit and ponder. I still wonder why all the lyrics in this world seems to have composed for me. I don't believe in destiny because if it's true, then why move? When we can wait for it to do it's job. Why dreams must be reached when it's written in the stars all along? And why hope when everything in this world's scripted? Ohh yeah, "life is what you make it".

HAPPY EASTER!

My life before was easier than now. I was happy with less concerns about my surrounding. It's been so long since I truly smiled and I miss that moment. Failures didn't matter to me during those times, not at all. This is not the kind of change that I want to live out. I can't function well because of the pressures that has been circling me now. Everyday, all I think is a place where I could see no one but myself. I wanna run away forever and leave everything including the people who have been with me for so long. It was Easter Sunday that I've consumed 12 sticks of cigar in just few minutes and just yesterday that I've consumed two. I've been drinking really hard also. I know I'm slowly killing myself but everything to me now is pointless. Living is pointless if one doesn't know what his/her purpose in life. I've undergone a lot of realizations lately but still, it didn't get me. I enumerated the possible reasons of why I am so despising. It's all on me to blame. I was miserable before they've met me and with that, I should stop blaming people for my miseries. -Family, friends, relationships, my childhood, people, people and more people. No it's not love, it's me.

One more try of search, I hope it would get me this time 'cause I'm so tired of giving myself a damn!

March 20,2008 -Back to the place

When I woke up, the place was whirling. I stood up and still feeling dizzy. I could not remember how my ass got into the couch. My face was still red when I washed it with cold water and my arms too. Damn night! I looked at the mirror and my hair was like caught by a tornado. Hahaha Then my niece got this idea of going to Olango Island and without second thoughts, we agreed on.

Hours later and we're there.

Home Sweet Home Olango Island

I could see the species under the sea. It's clear and shimmers along with the rays of the sun like crystal framents. Ohh I wanna jump off from the boat and forget getting wet! I could hear the whistles of the fresh air around us. The place, it's been almost a year since my last visit there. We didn't stay in our place there but rather in our aunt's house. Our place was in a great mess since we had it cleaned almost a year ago during our last visit. We ate our food and went straight to the sea after, geee. The salt water was perfectly mixed into the heat of the sun. The cheerful spirits of the children swimming and their voices so alive and loud, it's like a melody that reminds me of how me and my other siblings were. I miss the place, I sure do. I used to go there alone and unwind. The tranquilizing ambiance helped me cope up with my depressions back then. Back when I was so confused and tired of putting myself in a crowd. Back when running away from people was my way of escaping reality. I always have my sketch pad with me because the nature for me is a perfect model for a troubled heart. It doesn't move, it's calm, it's simple and doesn't complain. Until sunset came and it's time to leave the Island and bid goodbye to a dashing place. I'm going back to the real world now and face the busy city. I've painted images on the sky of that very Island. I've written names on it's fine sand and erased it with my foot before the sea could wipe it away. I've made promises only the moon and the stars knew. Now I'm leaving it all behind, rubbing lightly the traces I've left and make new way to a new kind of picture. I'm slowly letting go of those heavy things in my hands that have made my journey a burden. I no longer live in isolation now, although there are things that must be kept inside me. I'll try my best not to get affected and view life as beautiful as the nature. Indeed, we run our life and if we stumble, we must stand up and never let people laugh at you or look at you with pity. I must be strong for the special people who molded me into what I am now.

Finally

The semester is over, a lot had happened, some were fun and some were not. But one thing is for sure, it's been a wonderful experience. I'm closing this chapter of my life and try not to scan it again. I'm gonna put the pieces back and make sure it won't split again into millions. Today is the beginning to a whole new me.

Few days ago, I was staring at my card thinking of how am I going to spend all the money on it. I have saved it for my trip to Manila then to Bataan. What the hell am I going to do there in the Land of Heroes, huh? Hahaha.. We'll it's a secret but at least I've tried knowing that I don't know how to save. Now that someone has already moved on, I see no reason anymore to cross the ocean. So what I did, I withdrew half of the money on it and spent it all in the mall. When I found myself laying helplessly on the ground, with no one to pull me up. I knew right then what to do but I was holding back because of so many things. I think I've came to realize that today is all that we've got in this world. Screw your past and sometimes you have to make a mess of your future. When I've lost my interest in music, painting as well as writing. I thought it was the end of everything. During those days without you, I thought of not moving. I've spent my whole awareness wandering in your world, hoping you'd notice me there but you never did.

We've been planning of staying in our house in Mandaue for the rest of the holy week. So when we got there, I played billiard with my childhood friends then agreed to drink later in my place. We had tequila, rum, beer and brandy but you must know, I'm a pro. People can't just knock me down. We used to play all kinds of parlor games but now, life is playing on us. We used to team up after class and play baseball in an abandoned field near our houses but now, the field is close and our lives are different now. We used to beat those old morons in counter-strike but now, odd events are striking at us unknowingly. We used to build our dreams in any place we thought of as a good place to sit and laugh at each other. Having a joyous life, who would have thought of growing up? But people must grow, must love, must experience heart broken, must work, must mature. People must gamble in order to survive. People must go through numerous mistakes in life to learn and realize that there's no easy living in this cruel world. Those painful memories must be forgotten in order to move forward. Those great memories must be treasured for us to be inspired of. Or maybe, we don't need memories at all to move forward and get inspired.

Today, I'm gonna see things in a different way. I can do this, I've been fighting against life and there's no reason for me to surrender in this battle. Not this tme!

Tae ka Ms. San Miguel! Hahaha

Hehehe, sorry

Me and my friends were mocking about the recent Ms. Binibining Pilipinas mortification, it ain't cool. I first saw the video clip three days ago when I heard my brother laughing in front of the monitor. I was curious so after eating my dinner I asked him what he was watching. Then my friend who's on the other line gave me the link and boom! What a public humiliation!

I couldn't help but laugh while watching the video, hahaha. I know I'm not good in speaking English but it's inevitable. My stomach's about to burst and tears of joy came out from my very eyes. I was really laughing out loud. Actually, I don't really care at all, I mean.. Hey nobody is perfect (hahaha, *evil laugh) it's just that it never crossed my mind that something like that'd happen in real life.

Seriously, what frustrates me is the result of the said pageant. No offense pero I don't think she deserves the title. I'm very disappointed sa mga judges, how could they let her win? Come 'on, I kind a think there's a sabotage going on. I'm just concerned since it's all over youtube and people all over the world could see it. It's not only her that would be criticized by millions but also us, all Finipina. It would reflect much to the impressions of the foreign people towards us. For heaven's sake, she'll represent the country and introduce our rich culture eventually. Grrrr...What now? Pasaway jud! I'm not exaggerating, but the damage has been done so get some help Ms. and study your lessons! Believe me, your sparkling 15 minute of shame will be craved forever in our minds but if you'll do hard and work things out, you'll become a legend. And as to the committee, organizers or whoever responsible, invite professional judges next time. Graft and corruption, poverty, irresponsible parenthood, pollution, crimes and now, ILLITERATE contestant.. Hahai, this country is getting more and more hopeless.

Stand up and Quit Running

Three more exams to go and I'll be off for more or less three months from this brain damaging way of acquiring knowledge. -school.
I wonder where my next stop would be since I'm still loaded with so many confusions. I've been browsing for some details of the places that had caught my interests. Somewhere far, away, secluded and tranquilizing. People are moving on but I'm still here in this permanent position. I talked to our guidance councilor and discussed about serious school stuffs since I'm attending his classes irregularly and I missed a lot of activities. I have a feeling that the transformations are working in my life right now. It's not everyday that I talk about my personal issues and for the past few days, I've told several friends about the chaos inside me. Before I went to the guidance office, I took our final exam in Physics. It was a disaster, I wasn't ready to take the exam but there's no way to back out. Good thing I was able to hitch from my classmate's notes and scan. That last minute study helped a lot in increasing the percentage of my performance in the exam. But that doesn't give me an assurance of a passing grade, I've missed to answer two problems worth 10 points. I screwed up and I can't help myself from being pessimistic. I hate it when I forget what I have just read and stared at the questions hopelessly.

When he asked me what's my problem, I couldn't speak. Because by the time I'll open my mouth, tears would follow and I don't want it to happen. Not there, not in front of him and other people. But then I realized that I was helpless and I need someone to absorb my sentiments. So there I said it and I hope I made the right choice. He now knew some of my personal issues, I even told him about an ex of mine that I hid from my friends and family. Of how painful it was for me to be left in the air by the one person who I never thought would do such thing to me. Of how I got crazy over someone who doesn't give a damn about what I feel. And of how he transformed me into a better person and destroyed me without even realizing it. If he only knew how important he is in my life, then he might wanna wish to live longer. Geee...I could never hate my match and that basically hinders me from getting over that significant someone.

Deep within me, there's an issue buried. Sometimes, it crawls above, clings to my shadow until it overlaps my personality. It's hunting me down every time and so I leave. I can sense that it's coming out again and I need a space to rebury this. I'm tired but I have to do this to protect myself in any way. I can't foretell where to hide now but I'm pretty sure, there is a place.

Life must go on and evenlthough I have thousands of reasons to feel bad about life, I know there is one that is worth a million that says I shouldn't be.

ZiEL at 20

For 20 years on a roller coaster ride, now is the time to jump off. I've made a promise to myself, two years ago that once I reach to this age, I'll be motivated enough to leave everything behind. I know I've been saving all my promises and I'm sorry.

Awakened by family greetings. I left the house with a smile in my face. "Good morning sunshine, it's my day!". In school, all my friends I came across with greeted me. I was just silent and trying to play it cool just like an ordinary day. They're bragging me to chill tonight and celebrate but my head is loaded with so many school works so I have to pass. 'Till the day in school is over, it's unusual how everything seems to be normal at all. And when I got home, my brother opened the door. I went upstairs and turned on the computer. Checked some sites and opened my friendster, I was touched by the people I never thought would give an extra effort to post a greeting comment on my page or send me personal messages. Thank you so much guys.

I was delighted by their thoughtful gesture and I never thought of the many people who cared about me. I don't know how to repay all the kindness life has been showing to me. All along, I thought life is not being fair. I missed to acknowledge the people who wanted to enter my life and touch it. I thought I was alone, I thought people are just people. It took me 20 years to get to that point and I feel guilty for not trying hard to make my life make sense. Whenever I'm down, I hold on to myself. I've been living in isolation for so many years now and in my mind, there's only me in this world. With those passing years, there are a lot of sensible experiences that I've wasted, great memories that I've forgotten. I am to blame because I let myself drown in emptiness and drift away. And each day of my dying life, I never thought of anyone else but myself. I look at every day hopelessly and every night in vain. It's like there's no reason for me to wake up and face the day, to end the night with laughter and hoping it won't last. My unbiased deliberation towards the unfortunate events in my life had transformed me into a very self-centered wicked wimp. My heart was stoned up by life struggles, it became so numb and turd. I've hurt millions of people and lost tons of chances. I pushed them to hate me and wish they've never had met me. I have my self-pitying moments, it's where I torture my mind through thinking about my wrong doings. It's where, I'm not moving and thoughts of my painful past keep playing on my mind, wandering anxiously like jail breakers. It's where I reflect and reminisce about what to do now and what to do next. It's the moment where I wish to stop breathing.

If there are things I wanted to alter in my life, it's not the mistakes that I've made. But it's the lessons that I wasn't able to learn.

I was about to sleep when I got into my inbox. My Kuya has sent me a text message.

"happy birthday nday! never think that you're alone or despised by others. always remember that life will never be complete without them and us :) be happy always :)"

.....and tears ran down my face. Another promise had broken. But it's all worth it because when your heart got hit, cries are inevitable. After all the disappointments I brought into his life, he never turned his back on me. He never bragged the good things he had done to me, I never saw him lost his temper and he never complained. I'm feeling the guilt again in my system and I'm running out of place to hide. Maybe one of these days, I'll go to a place far from all the people I knew. And when I come back, I hope I'll change even just a bit.

I AM LOVED! I know.. Happy Birthday to me!

What's Next?

Last minute session.. Forgetting and Letting go. Dreamworld

Dear Geek,

You've betrayed me whenever you feel nostalgic about life. I just don't want you to quit fighting in this battle and be strong.

I am angry because you're stopping yourself to break free. Just for once, will you stop moving and notice the caring people around you? I am angry because you're so perfectionist and so obsessed with your dreams. I'm angry because you're pushing me to hurt you.

It's sad how we let to end things this way. I shouldn't have let you to let me go. I should have not let you go. It's killing me inside everytime I think of those happy times with you.

I'm afraid that this would go on forever. It's like I'm heading towards a never ending loneliness, I am scared.

I'm sorry for doing too much. I'm sorry for hurting you over and over again. I'm sorry I came into your life.

I want you back. You just don't know it but I do. I love being with you and I'll never get tired of expressing this feeling silently. I wish I could reverse the time and be back to the days where it's only you and me.

With Love and Hope,

Blacksheep

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a very long day, I arrived home very exhausted. With my eyes still in serious pain, I woke up early morning to attend our seminar in Counseling. It was held in USC retreat house in Talamban Campus. It's tranquilizing out there, just the place prefect for my unwinding moments.

We were group into four. Each group has there facilitator, we formed full circle and started the session with a brief orientation about stuffs. Destiny falls on me when I got the slot to take the first shot. People can tell how tense I was just by looking at my actions. Stomping my feet as fast as I could, waving my hands up and down near my sweating nose and my heart was beating so fast. Then moments after, I uttered the first word "I". Followed by reading and explaining to them the things that I wrote on the brown paper with the heading "MY LIFE STORY". I was reading so fast that I couldn't even remember to pause. That anxious moment, I wanted to just murmur those words and just let my own ears hear it. As always, I wanted to keep everything inside me. But for a change, maybe I have to learn opening the real me to people. Laying down the things that bothers me to the world might set me free. I was asked by our facilitator some dreadful questions regarding to what I'd just read. I couldn't look straight to their eyes upon responding to their doubts. And then again, I felt caught in the middle. I don't have to be specific neither to be very exact. Just let me open my mouth and close yours till' we're over. It took me almost an hour to finally close the book of my life.

While listening to my classmates, I felt less of a person. I mean, how could they narrate such confidential or rather personal things to others? Where in my part, even if I've told them some facts about me. I know in my heart, it didn't even reach half of what are supposed to be shared about. I missed to see the big picture. But I still believe that guts must go together with readiness. As much as possible, I keep my distance to the things that may lead me to confrontation. Maybe they've noticed it. I wanted to cry and let go of the those liquids that were suspended in my very eyes. I wanted to release a deep breath and just stop being ethical. That moment, all I wanna do is scream to the world that "this is the real me!". But I have to hold back of those tears from falling down and weigh things 'cause at the end of the battle, it will always come down to me. I've concealed those pains from them so I could protect whatever that should be protected. I'm addicted to pretensions and sometimes, I find it too much. How can they afford to unlock their doors to other people? Why can't I? She's right, I'm all about my surrounding. I'm projecting a happy face to hide my true emotions. I'm wearing a mask to seal those feelings. I'm numb, I'm hopeless, shame on me.

And in 10 years, if I'm still not learning and patching my life.. Then those people who used to look at me with grace won't even recognize me, not anymore.

I Do Grieve for Myself

Honestly, there's nothing significant about this day. Well maybe for my mother, this day is special since it's her birthday today -March 7, 2008.

I was awaken by the cold breeze and the whistling sound of the heavy wind that tapped the window of my room repeatedly. Damn, it was chilling when I opened the door and tried to examine the weather. After being observant, I went back inside and greeted my mom. I planned to buy her something so after my class, I went to the mall to check some stuffs for her but then, I ended up buying my own essentials. Hahaha sorry Ma. Well I bought her food anyway which by the way she can't eat because it's Friday. What a mess! :p I was with my bestfriend awhile ago, I fetched her in her house and accompanied her here. We talked and laughed around, just like the old crazy days. We drank wine, ate our favorite chips and puffed cigars. She got surprised of how I sniffed my stick, "chain smoker na daw kau ko" hahaha..It's been quite awhile since we last hanged out, she's very busy with her studies and I am also busy doing nothing.

Tina and me, making fun of the webcam. Hehehe

She was my blockmate wayback my Nursing days. I admit I envied them because they're half way to their dreams while I'm stuck here in nothingness, fleeting and at rest. She told me that she's loving her course now which I still remember how she hated it. However, I always thought she has this interest that we don't have and that's basically why she's surviving from that bloody course. I still can recall how she puked on our sink, on the ashtray of the bar and any other places. So wasted, she's without a doubt my friend. Now, she's a changed woman and I'm happy for her. I bet she's waiting for me to change also. Hahaha. Don't bother hope. I'm hopeless Tina and you guys are leaving me behind.

In this world, where you can't find things that'll fascinate you. Come 'on, it ain't good for living. This day is as numb as me, as dim as my future. I shouldn't wonder at all, even if life owes as nothing. It's giving me a million of reasons to cut my throat. I'm breathing because I still can breathe, I'm swimming in this sea of heartaches because I can still paddle against the current. I'm walking because my feet can still walk. I'm living because I'm strained to live. I am no longer happy of giving life a favor, and I'd appreciate if you'll stop the pump. Happy birthday Ma.

Hopeless. Nothing else

Hopeless. I am closer to nothing.

Since the day I've opened my eyes to a different duration of mind set, I did nothing but... Nothing, and nothing.

All my life, it's never about the others or their dreams for me. I've built an unbreakable sheets to protect my heart from crumbling, hoping those sheets would give me the fulfillment and happiness that I've been praying for. I wake up each day thinking of how am I gonna face those people who are waiting for me to kick some butts in the field! Of people who are expecting me nothing but idiotic actions. And each night of my miserable life, I bid goodbye to the world wishing this would be my last sleep 'cause even in dreams I don't wanna live. I feel like my sheets are striping off one by one and I am scared of the consequences. I've concealed what's bothering me by intoxicating people with my smiles since I knew from the first place that I couldn't withstand the results. As assumed, people mustn't spot me weeping and scorching in pain. My weaknesses are made only for me to know and my strengths are for people to give to them "the" impression. History repeats itself and so as mistakes but they say it can be patched up, only if you'll let it to not to. Inevitable confusions are giving me the most excruciating headache in the planet and everyday, I burst within. I'm casting my steps in a straight line without lights to let me see through the dark. I'm heading towards a finish line where there are no people waiting for me to wave their banners once I'll make it. It all make sense now, I've got nothing and this will always remind me that I'm no somebody. I'll never be. I had found what's missing in my life but I've lost it. It slipped away for millions of hows and whys. I thought that my love, our love for each other would help us grow and make it through. What's wrong is wrong, what's right is right but if you'll ask me, every circumstances in life depends on you.

I will seal this pain until this heart of mine beats again the way it beats for you. I hope you're okay with that.

Breaking the Silence

Breaking the Silence

Nail me, nail me now for I am worthless
Since you've left, it became black and white
Here in my grieving heart, hear the voices
of this scream, like a futile music

Next to you, happiness is measureless
Far away, it is empty and sluggish
Come closer, stretch your head down to my chest
listen to the rhythm of my pulses

I love you, without a doubt I still do
All shades of you, it's sweet and delicate
You are a man, with like a womans' face
so frail and gentle, you're one of a kind

Yes I do, I'm loving you in silence
Though, it's completely stubborn and absurd
Come back now, let's live and die together
'cause I'd rather be with you forever

I love you, and I'm breaking my routine
Now you know, I'll listen and try to live
Hopes for the hopeless, I'll wait one more year
Take me with you, now and no other time.

Still Hanging On

You musn't be surprised why I'm still wide awake at this time around. I've just finished downloading some songs since mine got wiped out from my player. Never mind the reason, grrr...

And to enjoy my insomnia to the fullest, I browse and browse and surf and click and check until I got into his page, his image flashed in my screen. Before I knew it, silence came. Covered me up and I found myself just staring blankly for so many hours at his innocent face. A face with millions of different indeterminable sides. Who would have thought that he has a troubled heart?. He got a perfect life but all seemed not enough for him. I just can't understand why I am surrounded with things that reminds me of him, when everything I wanna do is drift away and forget the feeling. The feeling I had when we're still together. I wanna stop thinking, but then things just run towards me and slap my consciousness. Since you left, chaotic changes came. I'm struggling from this trace that you've left when you walked away. I'm starving to know what lies behind those quite times with you. With all those inconsistency decisions, I wanna know everything. I wanna hear right from your mouth why. Perhaps, I'm still holding on to your words, still looking forward to our plans. Perhaps, the blame is on me. And perhaps my friend was right, moving on is not the same thing as to getting over someone.

For months now that I've been thinking of those words that might set me free. I am trapped, tied up, caged in.. Whatever you call it, I can't get out.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I still remember how it used to be. Back when we stayed up late because that's the only time where we're out from our busy lives. The way you make me laugh and cry, it's still a wonder to me how you made it to reach the bottom of my heart. With you, I easily lost equilibrium and that shouldn't be. I am practiced to keep everything in shape and steady, for my image, for my reputation, for my personality.

...but what I've learned about love is to never doubt your feelings. Like what Bea's co-nurse said in Maalaala Mo Kaya "If mahal mo talaga sya, hindi ka dapat naguguluhan ng ganyan".

Trust the one that you love. Trust -a five letter word that's not part on my priority list. I tried to define that word secretly, for others close to me may never will understand it. And I am right, just yesterday that I hurt a friend badly. I'm tired of seeing them in pain because of my unfriendly views in life. But this is how life works for me and no matter how life has been punishing me, I still end up doing the same mistakes. They shouldn't worry much for I am old enough to take care of myself.

Frustrated and sad, I better take a nap. Sudden turns in life sometimes sickens me!:(