illusory

I didn't know she'd be in my dream until one night, I saw a silhouette of her image coming near.

The smile shaped on her face was never a metaphor. I still could remember how the gleam of light made her eyes look more beautiful. And how her glances able to consolidate all the mysteries in my life. She was dancing in the air, along the beat of silence. I became stiff as I watched her frolicking in the thin atmosphere.

Then she laid her hands on my face, then my eyes suddenly felt weak to the extent where I couldn't open them anymore. And all of a sudden, memories retrieved.

That simple and gentle rub of the face made me return to my past. She was there, she touched my life and all. If I were a man, I certainly would fall in love with her. Too bad, I was destined to be with someone else.

It was one December night when an illusion of her vigorously appeared in the angry sky. Her picture rolled over and over again, covering the dark clouds. Just moments after, it rained but her image remained visible. I released a long and deep breath, I knew something's wrong. But that radical change of whom to love made me realize some things which I intended to just keep by myself.

Then I woke up and I saw no one beside me. The friendship's not there anymore and the faith that could make me survive. All were gone.
Those were just illusions made out of this drive within me that someday, we would be better.

In my dreams, we're always together. But in reality, we never were. Who is she? I've never seen her before, only in my dreams that I got the chance to connect. But I know for sure, she's sent to deliver a message. She's a replica of those people and couples I see everyday, everywhere, walking forward in spite of those griming eyes they encounter. She represents their world. She's the bridge built to unite culture and modernization. She'll put those worlds together and let love fix the decays of our society. Because according to Morrie, "love always wins".

Then I saw her again but I became scared. The idea of losing everything I've had earned brought me back to my senses.

Somehow.. I don't know. But I'm happy seeing her again.

Do you think this is possible? I almost thought so. Well you can't stop your heart from beating anyway. Neither you can choose.

Townhouse for Rent in Lapu-lapu City, Cebu

ENTRANCE VIEW OF THE SUBDIVISION

(pictures inside the house and bigger view of the house will be uploaded as soon as possible)

House Features
• Master's Bedroom with balcony
• Two bedrooms with bedroom closets
• Two toilet and bath with stylish bathroom fixtures
• Deluxe ceramic floor tiles for kitchen, living and dining rooms
• Kitchen with counters and cabinets
• Polished wooden raining and stairs
• car garage

LOCATION MAP

Near Mactan beaches and other establishments like hotels and restaurants. It's only less than an hour away from the main city(Cebu City).

VICINITY MAP

*Two units are available for rent. If you're interested, just post a reply on this entry below or email me at this address crisz.ziel@gmail.com. Feel free to inquire.

Just a Plain Loser

What a shame! -That's what I said to myself as I drown to regret two months ago. Feeling so upset, my reflections went up and ruled over me, Ohh I never did any good in this life. I'm such a weakling trying to create a strong image for my own fulfillment. After that hideous incident, I began to realize how stupid I have become for the people who want nothing from me but a bright future. A future that could make them proud, something that could convert all my mistakes into a good impression, something, something.. something that would make me feel not less of a person someday. But do I really want the path they're taking me? What if, I want something that's flaming inside me. A passion per se. Wait, I forgot to tell you, the blame is all on me! All along. I've been a big loser, ever since. And I cannot be as right as I wanted to be.

The next morning, I could still remember, fresh as the breeze, the failure. And days had passed, gradually my mind's absorbing what the world's trying to impose. - that I never learned anything from all my experiences and fell again from own absurdity because I always look the other undesirable way of things.

So here I am, trying to see the big picture, walking on the right track, with all the necessary things I have to give just to see that "big picture". I studied my ass out! Followed what's being told and set only one goal. -to pass the subject. Because I know, if I want to fix my life, I should start in school.

I thought all the hardships that I've had gone through were enough for me to change my bumming image. I've never been this excited when it comes to grades. For me, they're just grades. After the midterm exam, I felt light, I knew in myself that I did my best in the exams. Though I missed some requirements and other set works, I was endured with confidence.

Until I finally got the figures, and discovered only one thing, that I worked so hard only to realize that I have not really given out my best.

Naana sa Maayong Kahimtang

Kay intrams man namu ron, naa ra tawn ko sa balay sud na sa pipila ka adlaw, naghinuktok, naghuwat, nagpanagana sa mga adlaw kay pirting dalia jud sa panahon. Bisan tuod man ganahan na ko ugma dayon, tanan nkong mga pangandoy nkaba-ot na nako, pero sa luyong bahin sa akong ulo, gusto ko naghunong lang ang akong kalibutan. Hmmm.. I guess, I'm too happy right now that I don't want to sleep anymore, because I'm scared to wake up one morning alone. Sa kadaghan nga nahitabo sa akong kinabuhi, maskin ako, d makatoo na ako karon, madaugon ug malipayon. Sa kadaghan nga langyaw nga akong diha-diha nka ila, abi nko makit-an nko kanila ang kuwang sa akong kinabuhi pero d diay. Only one person is destined to solve the puzzle in my life and pull me out from emptiness.

Life has always been bitter to me until you came. I was born without much luck, from raffle tickets to love matters, haha. Pero ok ra, I realized na I hold my own luck. Maybe because I wasn't learning from all my mistakes before that's why misery is implacable. Ug sakto mo tanan, weak ko. Well, change must come and start from me. Since the day I finally accepted some realities in life, I opted myself to be strong and never let failure drag me down. That latter part of my life opened my eyes to many good things in life that I missed to appreciate because I was busy thinking how to turn back time. Nasakitan jud ko, tinud-anay nga mga pagbati akong wala'y preno nga gipagawas didto sa mga tao nga naghugaw-hugaw sa akong kasing-kasing. Sabagay, dli tanang tao maayo nato. Naa ju'y mga molubad as time passes by. Mao nang lisod kaayo mahigugma karong panahona. I really find it hard to entrust my heart to someone but the fact that you love the person, the best choice is to just give it all out and wait for the time it will be returned broken. Of course, how will I know if this love is worth the risk if I refuse to gamble, dba? Bahala na, basta i'm happy someone is making me happy. And I wouldn't really ask for more.

I used to run after the same face, wherever I look, I see nothing but the same image. It was a very painful moment, when all you could do is just stare at someone so happy without you. Heart-pinching, isn't it? And the most dying part is letting him chase his own dream and abandon ours? But the good side of it is, if it didn't happen that way, I won't be able to feel this kind of happiness and everyday excitement in life. I'm loved by the person I also love, that's the best new start I will always remember all the days of my life. It pays all the time I had spent to make my heart beat again. Makes me think that I didn't wait for nothing at all, in fact, mura'g wala ko nawad-an. We deserve each other and I'm glad to feel and know that every time. Life is amazing.

So Blessed

I've been through a lot in life, from justifying my weaknesses to denying my strengths. I've had to give up more than what I've received. Of course, life is never fair. There are times that dying for me is the only way out. But you know what, writing's been saving me from that lonesome momentum. I project many faces, wear different masks, yet still, people could see my pain. I brought up not knowing what true happiness means. In my heart, there's a silent hatred residing, ready to explode when things become so unbearable. Oh yes, I'm a pitiful person, I know. But what's good about this life is we learn. -to survive, to be brave, to stand up, to make things right, to change, to fall and not to, and to risk.

We move on from our past and get over the feeling that has brought us to misery. I honestly came to the point where I couldn't feel anymore, my heart was stoned up per se. But love? It never fails me in putting everything in place. My views changed and all the absurdity in life, I've not seen anymore. Because of love, I learn to be selfless and never expect anything in return. I start to care and be sensitive. I began believing and trusting.
I've witnessed my own fall, I got my heart broken also for quiet a number of times already but every time I think of this wonderful feeling inside me, the bitterness just go away. And even if I'm not lucky enough to make them all stay, it's alright with me. They're not just somebody else, they're part of me that I will remember all the days of my life. No, I wouldn't change any of those heart breaking moments, because if it wasn't for those goodbyes, I wouldn't find someone else to fall in love with. Now, so far, every thing's in place. And whatever comes along the way, I'm ready.

I appreciate your entrance in my life a lot. And I wouldn't ask for more in this world because just by your tender laughter alone, all seems light to me. The days and nights we've spent together keep the spark glowing and I'm loving it. It grows so fast that sometimes, I find it hard to control. Knowing that you're just around is another reason for me to smile and be thankful everyday. I know Thank you is not enough but still, thank you for making my day to day living easy and for being the reason why everything now is in their right places.

The point is... I'm In love!

I'm happy to say that I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not easy to get up from a long sleep. I remember how I tried so hard just to eradicate the intolerable pain in my system. Everyday I struggle to get out from the darkness. Everyday I strive to be better but I've never been until someone came and my world became colorful, full of happy memories. I know there's no guarantee of our happy ending, but hey, I'm counting on you. Let's make the most out of it while we still can.

I want to take you to the island where my mom grew up and spent most of our summer days there. Let's swim and taste the salt water rushing through our whole being. Learn to understand simple living and mingle with the fishermen and the town people. I want to share to you the sky that I've been gazing to ease my depressions. The sea that listens to the screams of my heart. They're part of me.

Let's go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower. We'll watch over the world together. The city, the noise of the vehicles in the busy streets, the sparkling lights dancing in the night of France, I wanna see them all with you.

Let's go to Vegas, and experience the excitement of the Sin City. Let's be merry there like what we planned. Your dreams are mine too, I'll go anywhere with you, I'll travel with you and adjust from different cultures. Take me anywhere, and you'll hear no complain.

We'll learn from each other and grow old together. We'll hold hands forever and see the world with grace. We'll change for each other, transform for the common good. Let's treasure every moment, let's work this out, out of trust, respect, honesty and love. And dreams too, the reason why we hold on to this uncertainty.

I want to see the face that gives me peace every time I open my eyes. I'm loving you everyday. I'm giving you all my heart and it scares me, for you might return it broken. But I don't care anymore, the point is.. I'm in love!

You're worth all the risks and you're all I need in this life to keep me going.

Everything By Lifehouse

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

I LOVE YOU!

I Love You

You are the rainbow after the storm,
you sustain me with hopes of tomorrow,
a life worthy of surprises and wait
When you have found me lost in the darkness,
I thought you'd never ever dare to mind.

But you stretched your arms, then there's peace
You give me reason to smile once again.
To view life without madness and despair,
To put an end to my unhappiness,
you've shown me love at an unforeseen time.

I wish that this would go on forever,
not a doubt could ever make this stop.
We'll hold on till the end, never let go
We'll pamper each day of our lives with love
We will grow and see the world together.

'Cause you give meaning to my existence
'Cause I need you like fishes need the sea,
my survival, my reason of breathing,
my weakness, strength, my inspiration,
my happiness and my drive to success.

I love you.. soooo much.

.......*toooooot*

Thank You

Right when I thought this frail heart was just eaten by numbness
Each waking day, I witness my own share of bitterness
I thought I'd never found you and be forever hopeless

Do you know how you mean to me? It's like the world I say
Everyday, I can't stop thinking, how long will you stay?
Let me take part of your pure joys, this I wish to sway
Into your grace, including your griefs I'd gladly obey
Must be love, you think?, perhaps not yet.. you are just crazy :p

Thank you, you came right when I needed you.
Thank you, for making my days brighter.
Thank you, for shaping my life with laughter
Thank you, for this another chance of bliss.
Thank you, for everything.

For Everyone to KNOW!

It was one mellow afternoon last year that someone said this to me, "you know what Cris, sometimes, it's not wrong to be selfish". She is right though, I've been giving everyone a favor and I've never really stood up for myself. From my interests to my potentials, none, for many, I'm just a happy-go-lucky dumbass or a yes-yes dummy head. I've been comforting the needy, I've been there with them, I've been visible, yet I've never felt appreciated. I've been walking behind people and I've been kind in my own ways, yet I've never received good in return except for this phrase "no, you're not nice, you are super nice, easy on that". Actually, I'm not a good person, you just haven't reached the edge yet. -I guess that's what I really want to say. :)

Shouting at me, making me look awful in front of many people, cheat on me, being taken advantage of, damn! these things silently and gradually perished my whole system. Just because I don't complain, doesn't mean I'm fine with that. And just because I hit back to your insults with a humble smile, doesn't mean I'm pleased to hear that. I'm just not fond of babbling around and I consider many things before throwing words (except when I'm lost that I tend to be very irrational). I'm also not used to asking favors and begging for help and as much as I feel not comfortable having debts to someone, I'm also not an avid fan of rejection and confrontations.

You nag, as if you know me this this much. You speak, as if I owe you my life. You treat me, as if I were some kind of a puppet. I just have this long line of patience, respect and hesitations that's why I pretend it's cool. Hey I have pride also, I may have made it not obvious but it exists in me. You just don't know how I hated myself when I'm mad. I have this tendency to become the worst person in the planet. And I don't want to hurt people anymore because I know what I'm capable of once someone breached my sanity.

Sometimes, being away from the crowd is the best part of living. And I'd rather be alone than being surrounded with fake individuals. Real people are hard to find these days, it's because most minds are overshadowed with deceptive intentions.

I'm not a hypocrite, I just converse with a smile, no matter how horrible this person has been to me or to others, I believe that nothing will happen to someone that would go down and sink to someone else' level. That's my prerogative, that's how I define YOU.

Me with you, Me Lost, Me with Me

I supposed to submit this poem last Friday for my Literature class but then due to my idiocy and lack of preparedness, the one I passed was quiet embarrassing, hahaha so I revised this last night.. And boom! I'm now enveloped with regrets. Tsk!

Me with you, Me Lost, Me with Me

I am wounded soldier, with an empty revolver
In the battle field, you're the one can make me recover.

I am worthless dummy, in your eyes it is obvious
those flattering words, you seemed to be a man of cautious.

I am bird, singing with grace under the whitish clouds
I'd fly anywhere with you, then walk with you in the mounds.

I am lonely rose, with a single thorn on its' trunk,
lost, yet you gave me strength every time I tend to crank.

I am all sides of faces, the woman of today
found an oasis in you, yet still views with dismay.

I am hopeless duckling, inside a water maze's haze
bewildered, yet still thinks she could be a swan and dazed.

I am also tame sheep, painted black by the nature
separated from goats, labeled as without a future

And as I journey in your shadow, in this fortress
where I see no doors left open, I am despaired princess.

The push and pull of this pace, the lift and falling down
Do this, do that, I don't know, I never knew till I frown

But rays, and the dazzling horizon drew in sunrise
This line of new beginning, ended my waiting and cries.

Oh! This is me in you, this is me without you dear
I am screaming my hearts out, it's me in the ladder.

Ziel is lost again '08

Upset + Gap = Unlucky Day

I came in my class very late and we're having an exam. When I looked at the questions, dammit! where the heck did those come from? I was staring at the 5 questions on the white board for 30 minutes, holding my pen and looking at my pad with anger. A flashing hundred point-exam that I missed to answer 80% of it. That's how my day started, so devastating. I mean, no matter how I squeeze this crabby head, it's empty! I admit, I didn't study, in fact I was drunk last night and in fact, I never scanned just one page. I left the classroom very upset. The whole day I was thinking absurdly to myself, if only I had studied, then chances to pass is way higher. Crap!

And talking about gaps, that word gets into my nerves. People are selfish, they left a used-to-be-special-person for them to forget the love that they can't have. It's really excruciating to have lost someone special because of this hideous and ridiculous feeling called "LOVE". We have our own ways to consolidate our broken heart. But turning your back as a remedy? No, that's a different story, that's selfishness. If you really still care for the person, you won't leave, right? I'm really tired of people making me feel like I'm a villain or someone who's contagious that must be avoided.

When my ex decided to walk away from me because he can't move on because I'm always around, that does it! It doesn't make sense because you can't teach your heart to beat to another person. Though feelings can be diverted but still, the one who showed the best love and the one you had loved head over heels is the one you could never forget. And also, it's true that time has the power to heal but nobody knows how long will it take you completely to get over the person.

I believe, if we set aside our feelings and concentrate to more important things such as "friendship", then drifting away from someone would not be possible. We can still find another love without leaving someone behind, as long as we accept that some things are not meant to be ours or that today is not our time. It's your damn choice to be happy! And if you think, building gaps would make you happy then you're just another fool who can't even appreciate and treasure good memories.

"Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe" blah blah blah.. so childish

Busy Days :)

June 30, 2008 Monday
Strike! Classes were suspended. Yehey!
Mom drove me back to the main city around 10 in the morning to get my comforter and have it laundered but my friend who borrowed it was still in her province so we weren't able to get it. Then night came, someone visited me.

Him: Hey, can you come with me in the rooftop?
Me: What the heck are we gonna do there?
Him: I am alone and I just needed someone to accompany me.
Me: Alright but I still have to finish my written report in Industrial Relations.
Him: I'll go with you.
OPPSSSSSSS.....! I'm gonna stop here. :)

Too bad the internet shop don't permit by standers so I asked him to just go home. Haha And besides, I don't want any complications. Paying attention to his pa cute is too risky,. :)
Ohh well...

July 1, 2008 Tuesday
First day of July! I submitted my written report. No breakfast, no lunch. Haha and I was starving. After my last subject, I went to Mandaue and waited for our service car to fetch me there. When we arrived home, I was eating like there's no tomorrow. Hahaha

July 2, 2008 Wednesday
I woke up early, of course, my class starts at 7:30 am. Then again, my mother drove me back to still get my comforter. That time, we were able to get it back. In my Training class, me and my friend (seatmate) were scolded, haha 'cause we were talking nonstop. Damn! I was just asking for assistance about what to do with her Rubik's Cube.
Finance class went well except that our group was split into two 'cause of the free riders *ehem, hahaha
Literature was fun.
Engr. Echavez was absent! Hahaha, No class in Operations Management.

Weee.. break for 3 hours! Hmm... I'm happy for her. She finally got out from someones shadow, I can see it. Take care you :)

Labor Relations was also good.
PE? never mind...
Dinner's Ngiong P6.00 and two pieces of hanging rice P6.00 plus water P3.00
Around 10 in the evening, we went to party a bit. Hey it was all expense free. Hahaha

Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

July 3, 2008 Thursday
I started the day with a mug of Milo. Hang over huh, hehehe well that's alright, as long as I'm not missing any class, that's ok. I learned a lot today about self-esteem and goals. With that, I now know how to upgrade my confidence.

July 4, 2008 Friday
Thank God it's Friday!
Wooooo... I supposed to go home tonight but it's raining. So instead, I ate my dinner. As usual, One piece of Chinese Ngoiong, two pieces of hanging rice and a free water. Hahaha Aside from learning not to complain, I learned also to drink tap water. Hahaha.
Next week by the way will be the start of our Premideterm Examination. Bring it on baby!

I can't deny the fact that I'm having a hard time managing this new life. I'm refraining myself from asking much money from my folks because I wanted to feel this moment where I'm training myself to be independent. I want to be conducive in my own ways, and that's something I can soon vouch to my family.

The World that Does not Exist

This is an old entry of mine. Wala lang, I just find this memorable. :p

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"The World that Does not Exist" - 12.16.07

I was in my deepest thought when it suddenly rained.
I went out not to bathe but to exaggerate my realizations.

I was standing in the middle of the pouring rain, freezing to death. I embraced myself to somehow be ignited. Shivering yet I've managed to praise the setting. I saw the water and trees swaying in one direction.
Then... The dark sky caught my eyes. It thundered like it was screaming at me, but it did not move me.

What was I thinking?

Obviously....... Sad past events. My inner and outer struggles. The questions I haven't figured out. The stories I've been keeping for so long. The justifying changes that I should have made long time ago. The desires I'm eager to meet. The numerous fears that demerit my system. The confusions that has been engulfing me. The truths I declined to accept. My journey, the people around me, everything. I feel like I am not moving forward and this should not continue. It's flying towards me like a cannon ball, I have to duck down to save myself. I should not be looking for someone to pull me out from where I'm into now, instead I must rise by my own feet.

As I stare above, someones image came visible.

Tears came out from my eyes. I've accepted my losing faith. It's the reality that must be lived everyday. That nothing lasts forever. We don't know whats coming but our choices will help us get some clues. Think wisely and weigh things, not to get even from destiny but to triumph over its mean judgment.

I let my sorrows be washed away by the pouring rain. Like leaving all behind without a trace. I wanted to eradicate those tormenting memories in my life. I wanted to just walk away, disappear to the people I knew and go to a place where I can be myself. I wanted to view a nature where sunrise means a real new beginning and not another form of depression. Where sunset is not a sad goodbye but just merely a goodnight.
But the harder I yearn, the harder it gets me. Even so, I know He has a better plan for me.

Then the rain stopped.

I wiped away my tears and calmed myself. I was still shivering so I asked our helper to get my left cigars in my room. I have four sticks left by the way and after handing me those, I lit em one by one until the last stick's nearly off. Then I went straight to the comfort room and cleansed my body. I scrubbed up my hands thoroughly so the smell of the cigar won't linger. Then after washing up, I brushed my teeth.

Feeling fresh and clean, that's how I wanted my life to be.
I wanted to get rid of everything that weakens me and start new.

A place....

Where I can focus.
Where it is safe to change.
Where love and pain don't go together.
Where sacrificing is not necessary whenever you release your courage.
Where mistakes don't leave marks.
And where happiness is never-ending.

Sounds pathetic but generally speaking, that is the world all of us been dreaming of.

FREE FROM SUFFERING

In the Midst of Darkness

Open your eyes to the reality that this world is falling apart because of our negligences. Trees cut down, apocalyptic events are now happening, species became short in numbers, pollution, dirty bodies of water and global warming. We are destroying our home, and the worst part is, we are not aware. What do you think these past calamities are for? It's to warn us that we've reached to the point where nature won't tolerate our abusive actions anymore. We live in a cycle, with that concept, what goes around comes around. So we have to preserve it, take care of it like it's our own because at the end of the day, we'll be rewarded with a good harvest.

Every time I read the news, negative things are on it. What happened to M.V Princess of the Star has a message that nature is more powerful than human beings. Many lost their fathers, mothers, sons, daughters and friends. Do we have to let nature take many more lives for us to realize that? Now who is to blame? You ask yourself. Today's generation is very dismaying.

Every time I wander around the city, I see hopeless individuals in the pavements. I pity them so much but I don't believe that being deprived of wealth is a reason to live hopelessly. If sense of values were applied, then there will be no children on the sidewalks. If we think first the consequences before acting out, then correctional institutions would be empty.

Corruption.. is something this nation is good at. Politicians are great liars.. no, the best liars! This country is dominated with useless leaders. I wonder how they've managed to still look at people's eyes and hold their hands as they offer their fake intentions and sympathy. No wonder, many can't even sing the Philippine hymn "Lupang Hinirang" or recite the "Panatang Makabyan". National issues had affected the point of view of every growing Pilipino! It's sad to say that theres no hope. Its rotten headed people is killing its rich culture. I hate the idea of rally. Why don't you fools work hard instead of complaining 'cause believe me, we are governed with idiots and with that, they are not such a big help! I know it's hard to be under the power of swindlers but it's way harder to fight for something you don't understand completely. You can't just form a group, go to streets and disturb the public by shouting out your demands! Dude, you are angry at your own ignorance.

Sometimes, I refrain myself from watching the news because I know my heart would never bear. It's not me to talk about these but the way I see it, we are not progressing. Crimes, terrorist attacks, wars, corruptions and many other unpleasant habits related to that devastate me. If your mind would just be set in accordance to what's ethical, then no crimes would be committed. That is if you know what ethics mean.

Of course, it's still not too late to change our bad ways. As human as we are, we are capable of committing mistakes but still, as human as we are, we are capable of correcting our mistakes and transform it into lessons.

If everyone just tries to make this world a better place, then this world would turn into a place we can call heaven.

Just "Nothing", hehehe

Hahaha...I'm in the verge of greatness! I cannot explain further the kind of excitement that I am feeling right now. All I know is that there's something about this week that shapes me a happy mood. There's no moment of tantrums, even if I'm short of my allowance and I now wash my own clothes, haha. It feels good to finally see the world for the second time. I'm meeting new faces and hopefully one of them is the one that I've been waiting to share forever with. I miss my family, of course, they are a part of me and I'm excited to go home (I wish I could). I miss my close friends, the ones who knew a lot about me. wish I could visit all of you as soon as possible. I am loved, I am blessed with too many caring people. I won't let hate pull me down because I know I am surrounded with kind individuals.

I'm picking up the pieces. I'm opening my doors to a new relationship, that what keeps me going for now. But I made sure that my heart won't crumble again 'cause really, I've learned a lot from my previous relationships. I realize that I am long moved on, I just don't want to admit that someone put an end to something that's very special. And I thought it could still be revived so I trapped myself to this idea to the point where I lost my mind. I'm not giving part of it anymore.

I'm looking forward to spending more days with you my cute bubbly Scott Stapp. Hahaha. You've made my night so wonderful but I won't let you hurt me. I just like you a lot but it's not close to loving you much.

Let's see. Mwuah..

The Man in The Glass

This poem by Peter "Dale" Wimbrow Sr. is for those people who are still struggling to find who really they are. Drop the pretensions and start living led by your convictions, for happiness is really not found on the top of a tower but it's somewhere below where your journey begins and will end. Please do reflect after reading this and I hope you'll be elevated.

The Man in The Glass
By Peter "Dale" Wimbrow Sr.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Who judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think your a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Reminisce

I made this poem when I was not able to sleep the other night. It's nothing actually but I just feel like sharing this. :)

Reminisce

We used to count the days
Never noticed we missed ways
We used to share dismays
Not minding the wind sways

We used to dream at night
Watch the colliding stars might
We used to seek some light
Giving bright to our dark flight

We used to scream the pain
'Till we're already in disdain
We used to wait in vain
Like one lost under the rain

We used to paint skies
Red, blue, orange, color wise
We used to cover lies
Too blind to admit, truth dies

We used to laugh around
Adding pitch to a new sound
We used to heal the wound
Scorched by some other hound

We used to feel "the love"
Singing loud like a free dove
We used to need "the move"
Marveled with every touch solve

You used to love me, dear
I used to love you either
Though barely you wander
Still, some things won't alter

Hatred. Acceptance

I showed up in this drastic world based on lies made by my parents. No wonder, giving them respect was hard for me. I grew up hating everything I see. I grew up hating the people who brought me to this miserable life. My parents, siblings, relatives, friends, past lovers, everyone. I hated them for never got tired of pulling my head down to where I can almost kiss their feet. For never appreciating the things I've been trying to prove to them. I grew up with no one to share my small achievements. My family never gave me the chance to live the way many were. I think somehow, I deserve to be accepted for what or for who I am. I may don't look as pleasing as my other siblings nor as good as them when it comes to school stuffs. I may never have engaged myself in extra curricular activities like how they once were. I may have not experienced a successful relationship. I may have nothing precious in my palms to boast off in the crowd but I believe, everyone deserves "acceptance". Growing up was never easy for me. Being punished big time for committing small mistakes until I got numb and stuck to "this" place where I could no longer see anyone else but myself. I grew up often compared from my siblings and I hate that because we were born with distinct uniqueness, we should be understanding that phenomena as a resident in this cruel world. That there are no two individuals allowed by God to ever exist. I am mad at people! I am angry at those people who can't understand the different aspects of life. To the prejudices who don't know what to do anything good with their lame lives but to babble around their prospects! Why don't you try to look in the mirror so you'll see your many imperfections. Why don't you try to start embracing ones flaws so you could then accept the person as a whole. There's no use in comparing and comparing, pulling down others for your welfare, there's no use in talking non sense about others behind their backs, you're just making your self look pitiful. You're just contributing chaos in this world.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not a part of this family. I feel like I don't fit in because they make me feel different from them and the only way to catch their attention is to make mistakes. I need them to understand me, I need them to give me the kind of love that's willing to wait as I take my time to change. I need them to fully trust me and stop telling me that I'm a no good person. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable when I'm around their presences. I'm aware that you all care for me, thank you for that, but I need more than that what you all think of. You can't blame me for my miseries, your bitterness actually pushed me to the arms of my friends. With them, I found a place where I think I feel belonged. Where I can share experiences that I wasn't able to share with all of you. With them, I found comfort and a family that I've never tasted in this home. They filled up my hunger for an ideal family 'cause you've left it abandoned. You just don't know how you've been killing me through these years. Your cruelty have brought me to where I am today. But even so, you're still my family and that will never ever change.

I hate perfectionist! Yes because first and for most, nobody is perfect! You are the ones to blame why many are living in the shadow, you were not born to be a superior, you were born to inspire, to motivate the weak to be strong. You were created with an objective of touching many lost lives but instead, you enjoy stepping at others' head. You know what, if I've got a chance, I'd get my gun and pull the trigger straight to your heart until I run out of bullets. People like your style don't deserve whatever endowment God has given to you. I hate those too proud smart ass wimps 'cause they think they know everything, they think they're right about everything. They don't know how to appreciate simple line of horizon. They set a high standard to meet but what about others like me? I don't qualify right? I can't stand to be with these people, they give me reason to kill. I've met a lot of their kind but their not as good as what they think of themselves. So shut up and get a life because it will take you forever out looking for someone that would exactly fit in to your qualifications loser.

All of you, you disgust me. You've hurt me, you've molded hatred in my heart. No, you won't gain any respect from me, never! You all deserve to be disappointed forever and you'll die under my knees.

I know many will feel guilty after reading this or perhaps will get furious. Either way, I don't care, still, you disgust me!

Random Emotions

I moved out and transfered somewhere across my school. So what now? I didn't know what I was thinking but surely, this is the right thing to do. I was born with many issues and I will die with this curse. Confusions and inner struggles will never be detached from my system. I've already embraced those facts. Whenever I'm depressed, I became evil. And so, I became tired of seeing those angry eyes in the mirror. I'm tired of cursing at people, breaking the nearest thing I see, bullying the nerdiest student in school, drinking until I get out of control, smoking regardless of its' effects, witnessing the fall of my loved ones because of me and running away whenever guilt hit me. It's hard to draw a smile on my face, so fragile, I think it would break easily. I am wrong of my ways of everything I've had in mind. The mask that I've been wearing has been saving me from an approaching confrontation. I am down to this new era of my life where I'm restarting my journey.

June 7, 2008
I was with my childhood friends, catching up things while sipping the content of the transparent glass in my hand. More shots came on after my first turn, until I felt like my world was whirling. I mustn't go home like that so I asked my friend if I could crash to her place and so I did. I couldn't sleep so I went outside, moments later, my friend came up to me. She asked me the same question that many are fun of asking me, "What exactly just happened to you?" I knew my face was all red and my heart was palpitating very fast, then suddenly, I cried. For reasons I was not sure why. Maybe because of the confusions that has been engulfing me lately. I'm not sure. But right on that moment, I felt so helpless and in need of someone to absorb that overpowering emotion. Right on that moment, I put my head to her chest and she embraced me and gently tapped my back. But then when I came back to my senses, I let go and walked away. Though I went home relieved, I still find myself idiot for letting it to happen. But do you think tears are sign of your weakness? I need to know, for I've been shedding tears lately and it's not normal anymore.

June 8, 2008
I supposed to transfer today but I got tired from last night's madness. Put it this way, that crying-for-no-reason-why thingy was not cool for me. So I went out to catch some fresh air but then my friend saw me hitting glances outside the gate and so he asked me if I could join them. They were drinking actually because they're celebrating my neighbor's Birthday. I walked to their direction and sat with them, I had few shots then I decided to hit back the house and sleep.

June 9, 2008
I'm already here in the boarding house and I've just finished unpacking my stuffs. I'm excited because tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll be meeting my friends. But at the same time, I'm scared because of this new set up. The place is new, the bed is new, I have room mates, I've to follow rules, I've to wash my own clothes, I've to hold my own budget and I've to live by my own now. I've been wanting to live away from my family because I find them not capable of understanding and trusting me. I'm hurt but I don't entirely throw them all the blame, I also have faults but telling them everything inside me won't lessen the coldness we've had for each other. Good luck to me!

June 10, 2008
I have a very close friend who happens to be also my board mate, she introduced me to the other boarders. And since today is the first day of school and our tuition fee amounted by 12%, I'm expecting same faces in the hallway or circle of friends in the kiosk. But then when me and my friends were inside, freshmen dominated the whole campus. I was planning to adjust my broken schedule but when I saw the long line of adjusters in the department, I backed out. Classes for this week is still irregular so we spent our time wandering around campus until we decided to come here. We arrived here around 3 in the afternoon, we bought some chips and booze. We had fun actually. We headed back to our boarding house around 8 in the evening. I was about to sleep when my friend and the other boarders woke me up and invited me to drink with them. And since I'm new and of course, I wanted to get to know them more so I said yes. Hours had passed and things gone great for everyone in the circle. We laughed and shared ideas about many things. And because of that night, I was able to dig in to their personality. Slowly, I'm opening up and slowly, I'm regaining what I've lost.

June 11, 2008
Today that I've just remembered that yesterday was my ex's birthday. Yesterday was Francis Anthony's day and I forgot to greet him. Sorry Ton. We'll I already dropped my greeting a while ago through friendster comment. I'm happy seeing him happy with someone else, believe me not but it's true. Though sometimes, when memories visit me, it saddens me but then it happened long long time ago and I've moved on and so as he. But I admit, when our story ended, it's not the same anymore. I still remember how our last night went through.

It was the night that I'm sure I'll never forget. I asked him to let me go because I love him but we're not moving forward. I've reached to the point where loving him caused me more pain. I got tired of sacrificing for the sake of our relationship. I became blind about so many things when I gave my heart to him unselfishly. That last kiss has turned my days and nights without him uneasy. That last touch of tight embrace has made it so hard for me to look at him as I walked away from his direction. And that last word of goodbye has made it even harder for me to forget everything that we've shared. I knew, once our time will be over, I will never get to stare at him with so much happiness. I will never get to witness his ups and downs. I will never get to see his pretty eyes and smell his scent. I will never get to laugh and dream with him. I will never get to touch his fine hair down to his soft face. I will never get to hear his tempting voice whenever he tries to woo me. I will never get to see him the moment I cast my step away. Unbearable kind of loneliness, I then felt. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and years had passed but I'm still down to this place where he last saw me standing dismayingly.

I miss you Ton. I'm sorry for not hanging on. Happy Birthday again.

June 12, 2008
I counted the months that I've spent of being such a foolish person. I must put a stop to the meanest thing I've ever done to myself as far as my calculation's concern. Now I came to this point where I'm slowly engaging myself to a new way of upgrading my interests to save my world from completely falling apart. Today, I wanted to just be with the people who give me the best company recently. I believe that this is almost over and that I've taken so much of my time to be in this position. I'm glad of what's happening in my life right now.

June 13, 2008
Thank God it's Friday! Adjustment period is over and next week will be more drastic in school. I've got nothing more to say but to post my schedule here.

MWF subjects:

BA-HRDM 25 7:30-8:30
FINC 11 8:30-9:30
LIT 2 11:30-12:30
BA 107B 12:30-13:30
BA-HRDM 34 16:30-17:30
PE 13.B 17:30-18:30

TTh subjects:

BA-HRDM 31 9:00-12:00
BA-HRDM 32 15:00-16:30

Good thing I'm boarding, ayt? :)

June 14, 2008
I'm alone in this lonely house for 11 hours now, what do you expect? You know, I'm trying to get rid of those wonderful and hurtful moments in my life with the people who used to be special to me. Right now, all I wanna do is to go back to the main city and enjoy someone's company. Because there, I can refrain myself from thinking of many people. My own home is not giving me the kind of tranquilizing ambiance that I've been wanting to have for so long. Perhaps my stay here is not a good idea. I can't stand the silence and my family's presence and the music in my player. I can't stand the memories in every corner. I just can't stand living here any longer. :(

A new Leaf

Yesterday, I went to USC to entertain some things. It would break my family's heart if they'd found out what I was really doing there. I'm here again in this situation where I feel really really troubled. I sought advice from our Guidance Councilor since we've been close for like how many months now. I trusted him, with him I can cry and forget about my concerns. It was almost 4 in the afternoon that I've finally told him something not everybody is familiar about me. Yes, for the first time in my life, I was being myself in front of someone. At first, it's hard to spill the bean but then I've given up pretending. I became tired of preserving this fishy side of me. So I told him the root of my depression. The feelings I've felt as I released the words that shouldn't be uttered came from the deepest and darkest part of my heart. It's a relieved and somewhat, I feel proud. Then we talked about someone and I told him how this someone has changed me. Valley of tears came out from my very eyes, it's still painful for me every time I talk about this someone. I was planning to leave and run after my happiness but he advised me to weigh things. He asked me if I was ready? The truth, I'm scared. I'm scared of everything that resides there. The lonely moments and hardships I will experience there scare me. I'm not happy and I can't find my happiness here so I've to leave and look for it. But then, thinking about my age, skills, disposition, I know I'm not capable enough for this adventure. I want to change, I want to be a better person but still, I think I won't be when I'm in here. But am I really ready? No. So I've to pass. I just realized that this is not the right time. Now that I've already recognized my happiness, I believe I can get it but not now. My friends were right, I should fix things here first before jumping into another goal. I know I'll change, I have an inspiration to make my living make sense. My past life will remind me that I have stay focus and be strong. I will not do the same mistakes ever again. God, please give me strength to move forward. This is another battle of my life, I must be determined to change for the people I cared the most. I love them so much and I won't leave them unless I'm better.

Equal Trade

Writing is a very functional past time for me. It has been the medium that I've chosen to use in order for the people to know what I'm feeling. I was a loner back then and most of the times left behind. I was living in the shadow for a very long time. No best friend(s), no attachment with other people, I was scared to open up. I was too shy to speak, to laugh, to stand up, to try new things and to define reality. Those were the dark and hazy days of my life. But then one day, I decided to break free, it was during my senior days. Just one glass of beer and boom! I have an instant life. People started knowing me as a "somebody". I began going out with different people. Just one shot of booze, and my life has changed.
I was able to watch this anime "Full Metal Alchemist" long time ago, and it says about "equal trade". -People invest, people sacrifice to get the satisfaction they wish. For us to achieve something, we have to let go something. I think that's what it's all about, risk in order to gain.

Life's been bating us with tricky choices, offering us different roads, testing our strength and evaluating our behavior. It keeps on confusing us, maybe to measure our capacity in balancing our decisions. Whatever it is, it's not easy to live. You've not just noticed it but you are here because of the things you've had given up. You jeopardize yourself the moment you wake up and race against life elements. You just don't know the things I've had to let go just to be where I am now. I've had to benumbed and surrender everything I've had in exchange of a new life. I must look strong in front of them to save a "somebody" in me. We have many things in our palms to let go, even love. I remember what Sister Martha told us last semester "I've found my ideal man but I have to let go of him because of Christ". Whatever one has gambled, remember the word "equal trade". And to triumph against life, we have to enjoy the experience under the vicinity of our chosen route. Ride on and learn from your mistakes, learn to let go, learn to give, learn to trust your fate and learn to appreciate because we live to learn. And as for me, I may not have taken the perfect road but I've managed to still be walking this strong and that's something I should be thankful of.

New 7 Wonders of the World

"Our Heritage is Our Future" -that's the theme of the contest.

It's not just about winning, it's about opening our doors to other races. It's giving nature back what it deserves. We're not poor, in fact we are abundant in natural resources, we belong to a rich country. So it's just right to share our resources to others and let others experience what it's like to be living surrounded with amazing spots. Such a haven, such an endless horizon of gleaming sun rays, an ambiance of refreshment, it's the heaven beneath the sky. Let us please conserve and preserve mother earth, take care of our resources and believe me, nature will pamper us more than what we have invested. Take part of it, extend your hands and help. Today is the best time to show our concern. Today is all that we've got to make it happen. Today is our time. Today is our chance, so please do vote for our three entries. Just go to www.new7wonders.com and surf around. It's just a click away.
NOTE: The descriptions of these entries came from different sites that I've scanned in the internet with much effort and patience. Sources were not published but I guarantee you, it's reliable. Ranking will be updated if there's a change in position since voting is on going.

Current Ranking:

10. Mayon Volcano

Beautifully symmetrical Mayon volcano, which rises to 2462 m above the Albay Gulf, is the Philippines' most active volcano. The structurally simple volcano has steep upper slopes averaging 35-40 degrees that are capped by a small summit crater. The historical eruptions of this basaltic-andesitic volcano date back to 1616 and range from strombolian to basaltic plinian, with cyclical activity beginning with basaltic eruptions, followed by longer term andesitic lava flows. Eruptions occur predominately from the central conduit and have also produced lava flows that travel far down the flanks. Pyroclastic flows and mudflows have commonly swept down many of the approximately 40 ravines that radiate from the summit and have often devastated populated lowland areas. Mayon's most violent eruption, in 1814, killed more than 1200 people and devastated several towns.


2. Tubbataha Reef, Palawan

This is a typically colorful reef view from Tubbataha Reef, located in the Sulu Sea about 110 miles east of Palawan Island, Philippines. At one time this dive spot was rated one of the top ten in the world. In the 1980's, Tubbataha suffered tremendous damage from exploitation by commercial and subsistence fishermen, often using destructive fishing techniques. The outlook was very bleak for Tubbataha when a commercial company proposed operating a large seaweed farm there (later beginning the operation without sanction anyway). Fortunately in 1988 the Philippine government intervened, finally declaring the location Tubbataha Reefs National Marine Park, covering approximately 30,000 hectares. The illegal seaweed factory was shut down and since then the reef's condition is reported to have improved immensely.

The latest dive trip reports from Tubbataha indicate there is very little dynamite damage, with 100 per cent coral coverage. Fortunately the remote location of Tubbataha isolates the reef from the effects of soil runoff due to deforestation, which continues to devastate reefs near many of the Philippine islands.

Tubbataha Reef is an atoll coral reef in the Sulu Sea that belongs to the Philippines. It is a marine sanctuary protected as Tubbataha Reef National Marine Park. The reef is composed of two atolls, North and South Reefs. Each reef has a single small islet that protrudes from the water. The atolls are separated by a deep channel 8 kilometers wide. Over one thousand species, including many that are endangered, can be found at on the reef. These include manta rays, lionfish, tortoises, clownfish and sharks.

4. Chocolate Hills, Bohol

The Chocolate Hills is an unusual geological formation in Bohol, Philippines. It is composed of around 1,268 perfectly cone-shaped hills, all about the same size, spread over an area of more than 50 sq km The hills are covered in green grass that turns brown during the dry season, giving them the name ''Chocolate Hills.''

This the most famous tourist attraction in Bohol. Among the thousands of perfectly cone-shaped hills which abound in Central Bohol, two of the hills have been developed into resort. On top of the hill are two youth hostels with a conference room, cozy cottages with private rooms and accommodations, swimming pool, tennis court and restaurant. A climb up 213 concrete steps on the other hill is an observation deck where one can view God's wondrous creations spread below as far as the eyes can see. The grasses which cover the hills turn brown in the cry season. Its uniqueness shows when the hills are wet, it turns into green and when the sun is up high, it turns brown.

6. Subterranean River National Park, Palawan

Puerto Princesa Subterranean River National Park. A world heritage site, this natural wonder features an 8.2 kilometer navigable underground river, reputed to be the world's longest, that winds through a spectacular cave before emptying out in to the South China Sea. This river flows within a deep cavern under rugged limestone and marble cliffs, special features of the park. Known as one of the world's wonders, this river stretches eight kilometers deep into an underground lagoon with crystalline waters. Within the hallowed recesses, one winds through the tunnel aboard a paddle boat with outriggers to be enthralled at every turn which reveals stalactite pillars, rock formations, and domed amphitheaters.

Support and make a difference. Take pride and appreciate. Vote now!

It Used to be Like This

i love you. that's why im willing to set you free anytime.

not because im afraid that they might discover the things your "society" never wanted, but because i wanted to see you happy even when you go away.

i love you. that's why you have to believe me.

i love you. that's why you have the freedom to doubt.

i love you. that's why you have the time to think about this.

i love you. that's why i'm giving you my heart.

i love you. that's why i'm studying this hard.

i love you. that's why i do not sleep.

i love you. that's why im trying to express this feeling that's so vague... no words can be said to explain this feeling. and unfortunately, im still lost in finding the right words to describe this.

i love you. that's why i've got nothing to say.

i love you. that's why i'm walking away..

Every time I read this message, I cannot find a way to stop my emotions from falling apart. But deleting this won't make any difference anyway. It's here, right here and this pain is unfortunately a part of me now. Thinking of how we were, God I miss a lot about you. I'd wake up early morning and check if you had a good night sleep. I would stay up late and wait 'till you're done studying. It makes me happy reading your sweet late night messages over and over again. I feel loved and appreciated. Too bad, those things will never happen again and yeah,they belong to my past now. When you've walked away, it's like hell. I have to force myself to get up and pretend I'm alright. Everyday is a dying day without you. It's lonely, it's tormenting, it's a pain in the ass not seeing you ever again. I wish I'd take those days back and you know, edit our goodbyes. It could have been prevented from happening and my longing wouldn't have been molded into sculpture made of tears.

You are the reason behind everything I do in my life. Memories keep floating in my mind or flashing out of nowhere. My thought is an abode of your illusion and there's no way to shoo them away. Your pondering words, your crazy little smiles, your innocent face, your sarcastic voice, all fresh to me to remember. You laugh like you were some child who saw someone making funny faces. You laugh at me like I was the one making funny faces. Haha. And when you sing, you sing to me... and right then again, I wish you'll never stop singing.

You just have no idea how deep you've wounded me..:( You've left me with this scar, you've left me something to remind the pain everyday. And when you walked away, you never looked back.

I found this on page 41 in my frienster inbox:

"10/18/2007 2:44 am
i'm hooked on someone...
haha.
you know who she is. :)
tell her that i love her sooo much.
okay?

-God knows how much I've loved you but you dwell now in my past and it will stay that way. So long.

Life must Go on, huh?

It was around 11 in the evening when I visited my friend in her house. When I arrived, I caught her doing her report that would be submitted two days after. Days before my visit, I've found out that she's in great pain because she has just discovered that her boyfriend will be a father soon with his ex. If I were in her position, I would really breakdown. Plus the fact that her boyfriend's marrying his ex. I'd probably drown myself in tears. But seeing her like nothing happened, I felt less of a person. How could she still go on with her life with her situation like that? She told me that she wouldn't weep for someone not worthless but I know, beyond her angry voice were tears rushing to come out. I felt guilty also because I wasn't able to help her cope up, what should I do? I'm right also in the process of healing. Good thing my ears were paying attention even if my mind's wandering somewhere else. I've wasted my life trying to move on, drown myself in alcohol just to forget the person and killed myself slowly just to hold my thoughts. How could they be strong to still wake up without seeing the smile who used to brighten their day? How could someone still find a reason to continue her/his life with a broken heart? People can move on but they can never get over someone! Fine! I'm weak but it's better than pretending to be strong. I've been enveloped with pretensions and it's not nice to be stuck. My parents were together for 13 years until they've decided to finally cut the strings that binds them. I envied my mom in silence for never showing us a hopeless face everyday in spite of her struggles. When my sister got pregnant at the age of 18, she didn't let pressures get into her. Instead, she worked hard and she's successful now. And all the people I knew who fought to survive, I admired them. I wanted to be like them but I'm weak. I can't even motivate myself to run for my dreams. I know someday, I'll get tired and solve the puzzle. I know one day, I'll see light and rainbows and stars and daffodils and trees and someone who'll put color on it.

Almost a Memory Now by BlackHawk

She gets her things together
Puts them by the door
She says theres no love here anymore
Ill never be the same if she walks out
But shes almost a memory

Chorus:
Now
Wish I could turn her heart around
I feel so alone and shes not even gone
Shes almost a memory now

She hasn't even left but I know shes gone
She never even said where we went wrong
One thing I know without a doubt
Shes almost a memory

Repeat chorus

I feel so alone and shes not even gone
Shes almost a memory now
Shes almost a memory now
Wish I could turn her heart around

Update

Things are slowly back into places. With the help of my family and friends, I can smile a bit now. My brother arrived last week, he won't be staying here for long so we have to make the best out of it. My ate and other kuya will also arrive next week so it would be fun seeing my family complete for the first time in 2 years. And probably 1st week of May, I'll be in Ilo-ilo. I've been locking myself in someone's shadow. I've realized that I'm no better off alone. I should start finding a way to get out, though I'm not interested in meeting new people, I must welcome the people who comes to me and treasure those who have been by my side.

Summer now is different, last year was the best because even if I was in a summer class, I've got to enjoy it with my friends. We went to Leyte right after my calculus class. We skipped classes and spent the rest of the day drinking and fooling around. Conflicts among us during those times were not that critical unlike now, some of us can't stand the presence of others. I've got the coolest circle of friends in school and each one of us has sad stories but we've accepted each others flaws. (only my story that haven't totally unleashed, haha) Well, It's sad seeing the gang fall apart.

I wanna return to the time when there's no love and confusions in my life. The time when I've got nothing to worry abut even if my loved ones were obviously sick of understanding me. The time when I just laughed at my mistakes and failures in school. Sometimes, I miss being immature. *sigh*

I wanna finish college and get married years after with the man of my dreams, have 2 good looking kids with him and witness the world with them. I wanna raise my children the way my mom has raised us. I wanna have a perfect family, one that I didn't have. They say I'm clever to know a lot about life, or I'm wise because I don't melt easily. But they don't know, I'm not good when it comes to choices. What fears me sometimes is that when my dreams might be messed up due to inconsistent decision making. And it's happening now. I've let my guards down to someone off limit. A careless move but I've never regretted giving my all heart to him because he made a difference in my life.

"Just so you know, you didn't save my life, you ruined my death" . But still I'm willing to wait because having you around, makes me feel alive.