Life must Go on, huh?

It was around 11 in the evening when I visited my friend in her house. When I arrived, I caught her doing her report that would be submitted two days after. Days before my visit, I've found out that she's in great pain because she has just discovered that her boyfriend will be a father soon with his ex. If I were in her position, I would really breakdown. Plus the fact that her boyfriend's marrying his ex. I'd probably drown myself in tears. But seeing her like nothing happened, I felt less of a person. How could she still go on with her life with her situation like that? She told me that she wouldn't weep for someone not worthless but I know, beyond her angry voice were tears rushing to come out. I felt guilty also because I wasn't able to help her cope up, what should I do? I'm right also in the process of healing. Good thing my ears were paying attention even if my mind's wandering somewhere else. I've wasted my life trying to move on, drown myself in alcohol just to forget the person and killed myself slowly just to hold my thoughts. How could they be strong to still wake up without seeing the smile who used to brighten their day? How could someone still find a reason to continue her/his life with a broken heart? People can move on but they can never get over someone! Fine! I'm weak but it's better than pretending to be strong. I've been enveloped with pretensions and it's not nice to be stuck. My parents were together for 13 years until they've decided to finally cut the strings that binds them. I envied my mom in silence for never showing us a hopeless face everyday in spite of her struggles. When my sister got pregnant at the age of 18, she didn't let pressures get into her. Instead, she worked hard and she's successful now. And all the people I knew who fought to survive, I admired them. I wanted to be like them but I'm weak. I can't even motivate myself to run for my dreams. I know someday, I'll get tired and solve the puzzle. I know one day, I'll see light and rainbows and stars and daffodils and trees and someone who'll put color on it.

Almost a Memory Now by BlackHawk

She gets her things together
Puts them by the door
She says theres no love here anymore
Ill never be the same if she walks out
But shes almost a memory

Chorus:
Now
Wish I could turn her heart around
I feel so alone and shes not even gone
Shes almost a memory now

She hasn't even left but I know shes gone
She never even said where we went wrong
One thing I know without a doubt
Shes almost a memory

Repeat chorus

I feel so alone and shes not even gone
Shes almost a memory now
Shes almost a memory now
Wish I could turn her heart around

Update

Things are slowly back into places. With the help of my family and friends, I can smile a bit now. My brother arrived last week, he won't be staying here for long so we have to make the best out of it. My ate and other kuya will also arrive next week so it would be fun seeing my family complete for the first time in 2 years. And probably 1st week of May, I'll be in Ilo-ilo. I've been locking myself in someone's shadow. I've realized that I'm no better off alone. I should start finding a way to get out, though I'm not interested in meeting new people, I must welcome the people who comes to me and treasure those who have been by my side.

Summer now is different, last year was the best because even if I was in a summer class, I've got to enjoy it with my friends. We went to Leyte right after my calculus class. We skipped classes and spent the rest of the day drinking and fooling around. Conflicts among us during those times were not that critical unlike now, some of us can't stand the presence of others. I've got the coolest circle of friends in school and each one of us has sad stories but we've accepted each others flaws. (only my story that haven't totally unleashed, haha) Well, It's sad seeing the gang fall apart.

I wanna return to the time when there's no love and confusions in my life. The time when I've got nothing to worry abut even if my loved ones were obviously sick of understanding me. The time when I just laughed at my mistakes and failures in school. Sometimes, I miss being immature. *sigh*

I wanna finish college and get married years after with the man of my dreams, have 2 good looking kids with him and witness the world with them. I wanna raise my children the way my mom has raised us. I wanna have a perfect family, one that I didn't have. They say I'm clever to know a lot about life, or I'm wise because I don't melt easily. But they don't know, I'm not good when it comes to choices. What fears me sometimes is that when my dreams might be messed up due to inconsistent decision making. And it's happening now. I've let my guards down to someone off limit. A careless move but I've never regretted giving my all heart to him because he made a difference in my life.

"Just so you know, you didn't save my life, you ruined my death" . But still I'm willing to wait because having you around, makes me feel alive.

Ignore the Feeling!

I miss being in love, I miss my laughter when I'm with you, I miss the way you make me smile. I miss our fights, I miss the way you say you love me and I to you. I miss building my dreams all around you. I miss your tears, I miss mine. I miss being stupid, I miss your numbness, I miss everything about you.

It pains me seeing you happy with your life while I'm stuck here in your shadow, waiting for your light. The more I conceal it, the more it wanna explode. I recognize my boundaries and I'm not planning to break the filed lists of why we shouldn't be together, because first and for most, we've made it by and for ourselves. You've made me strong but still not enough for me to go on alone. You've turned your back right when I needed you the most! Now tell me it's easy. But I could never hate you, in spite of our bitter ending, you're still special to me. I've already lost myself and I'm not taking part of it anymore.

I somehow enjoy my life right now, I mean, I have the greatest friends and best family in the world. I'm young and still have a long way to go. What's missing is you but if I keep on holding on, I might miss a lot of rides in life. Six long months had passed but the feeling is still present, I can't deny the fact that I still long for your love.

When I think of you, I think of myself as a changed woman, I think of stars, of promises, and of valuing life . But when I think of the day you walked away, I think nothing but a dark empty room. Yes I've got almost everything in life, I mustn't complain, life's been pouring me too much blessings. Just that, at the end of the day, I feel like throwing back everything. Is still loving you a crime? I cannot command my mind from thinking of you nor my heart from shouting your name. I need you! There I said it. Now shoot me because I'd rather be killed by a gun, it's less painful than being torn apart into millions of times.

Hell NO! I won't let you get me again this time. DISCARD! DISCARD!.. Forget it and let go of the grudges!

Getting There...

Four days had passed since I last tasted and smelled the bitter aroma of alcohol. I intentionally prisoned myself here in our new house since it's kind a far from civilization. I don't want to talk to anyone right now so my stay here would be enough to satisfy my anti-social wannabe. I'll tell you though, at first it was boring but I'm learning a lot of things just by nailing my feet inside. I jog in the morning sometimes, I prepare their breakfast if the maid is late or absent, haha take a shower and brush my teeth after. I'm most of the times left alone and got nothing to do but to watch t.v and this Taiwanese novel that my sister's fond of watching in our DVD portable. I get to borrow it sometimes, Hehe. I'm now in chapter 6 and the story's getting more and more exciting each time. Before taking rounds off outside, I turn on first the computer then leave it online until I feel like bouncing off to bed. I starved here if ever we run out of groceries in the fridge since the nearest store is more than 300 meters away, haha. After lunch is my nap time and at 6pm, I watch the sunset from my room and if I'm lucky enough to wake up early than the usual, I could get to witness the sunrise as well. I can see the city now and the little bright lights that made the scene more dashing. It's like watching over the world sparks as I listen to random music that soothes my soul, very outlooking and elevating. I filmed every wonderful setting here in my mind, maybe you find me exaggerating things, well to be amazed is inevitable. You cannot stop yourself from being nostalgic especially when you have this feeling of heavy depression, the beauty you see at first sight is what you needed at the moment to comfort you and surrender you tranquility. I'm planning of leaving farther than here, maybe to figure things out and space to express myself to the profoundest way possible. And to give my loved ones peace and air to breathe without hesitations. The best way to live is to understand different kinds of living. Yes, I am flexible and I'll use that to make this journey successful.

Hating is tiresome, but to be hated is my means of getting their attention. I am hated, I know, but I'm still blessed for having the truest people to slap my flaws to my face. I more like it that way than pretending that I'm needed.

I want you all to know that I'm a lousy liar, yes I do lie but not good at it. Haha But if you all insists, I can work on it. Hahaha

For a person like me, Frustrations come naturally so stop wondering why sometimes I'm pleased and sometimes I feel deprived of happiness.

Anyways, it's dinner time and my mom's here to cook us food. Missing her a lot since for the past few days, we've been acting like cats and dogs. Like charges repel huh?. Hehe. Really have to go now, the smell of fish paksiw is commanding me to finish this off and get my ass downstairs. :))