I LOVE YOU!

I Love You

You are the rainbow after the storm,
you sustain me with hopes of tomorrow,
a life worthy of surprises and wait
When you have found me lost in the darkness,
I thought you'd never ever dare to mind.

But you stretched your arms, then there's peace
You give me reason to smile once again.
To view life without madness and despair,
To put an end to my unhappiness,
you've shown me love at an unforeseen time.

I wish that this would go on forever,
not a doubt could ever make this stop.
We'll hold on till the end, never let go
We'll pamper each day of our lives with love
We will grow and see the world together.

'Cause you give meaning to my existence
'Cause I need you like fishes need the sea,
my survival, my reason of breathing,
my weakness, strength, my inspiration,
my happiness and my drive to success.

I love you.. soooo much.

.......*toooooot*

Thank You

Right when I thought this frail heart was just eaten by numbness
Each waking day, I witness my own share of bitterness
I thought I'd never found you and be forever hopeless

Do you know how you mean to me? It's like the world I say
Everyday, I can't stop thinking, how long will you stay?
Let me take part of your pure joys, this I wish to sway
Into your grace, including your griefs I'd gladly obey
Must be love, you think?, perhaps not yet.. you are just crazy :p

Thank you, you came right when I needed you.
Thank you, for making my days brighter.
Thank you, for shaping my life with laughter
Thank you, for this another chance of bliss.
Thank you, for everything.

For Everyone to KNOW!

It was one mellow afternoon last year that someone said this to me, "you know what Cris, sometimes, it's not wrong to be selfish". She is right though, I've been giving everyone a favor and I've never really stood up for myself. From my interests to my potentials, none, for many, I'm just a happy-go-lucky dumbass or a yes-yes dummy head. I've been comforting the needy, I've been there with them, I've been visible, yet I've never felt appreciated. I've been walking behind people and I've been kind in my own ways, yet I've never received good in return except for this phrase "no, you're not nice, you are super nice, easy on that". Actually, I'm not a good person, you just haven't reached the edge yet. -I guess that's what I really want to say. :)

Shouting at me, making me look awful in front of many people, cheat on me, being taken advantage of, damn! these things silently and gradually perished my whole system. Just because I don't complain, doesn't mean I'm fine with that. And just because I hit back to your insults with a humble smile, doesn't mean I'm pleased to hear that. I'm just not fond of babbling around and I consider many things before throwing words (except when I'm lost that I tend to be very irrational). I'm also not used to asking favors and begging for help and as much as I feel not comfortable having debts to someone, I'm also not an avid fan of rejection and confrontations.

You nag, as if you know me this this much. You speak, as if I owe you my life. You treat me, as if I were some kind of a puppet. I just have this long line of patience, respect and hesitations that's why I pretend it's cool. Hey I have pride also, I may have made it not obvious but it exists in me. You just don't know how I hated myself when I'm mad. I have this tendency to become the worst person in the planet. And I don't want to hurt people anymore because I know what I'm capable of once someone breached my sanity.

Sometimes, being away from the crowd is the best part of living. And I'd rather be alone than being surrounded with fake individuals. Real people are hard to find these days, it's because most minds are overshadowed with deceptive intentions.

I'm not a hypocrite, I just converse with a smile, no matter how horrible this person has been to me or to others, I believe that nothing will happen to someone that would go down and sink to someone else' level. That's my prerogative, that's how I define YOU.

Me with you, Me Lost, Me with Me

I supposed to submit this poem last Friday for my Literature class but then due to my idiocy and lack of preparedness, the one I passed was quiet embarrassing, hahaha so I revised this last night.. And boom! I'm now enveloped with regrets. Tsk!

Me with you, Me Lost, Me with Me

I am wounded soldier, with an empty revolver
In the battle field, you're the one can make me recover.

I am worthless dummy, in your eyes it is obvious
those flattering words, you seemed to be a man of cautious.

I am bird, singing with grace under the whitish clouds
I'd fly anywhere with you, then walk with you in the mounds.

I am lonely rose, with a single thorn on its' trunk,
lost, yet you gave me strength every time I tend to crank.

I am all sides of faces, the woman of today
found an oasis in you, yet still views with dismay.

I am hopeless duckling, inside a water maze's haze
bewildered, yet still thinks she could be a swan and dazed.

I am also tame sheep, painted black by the nature
separated from goats, labeled as without a future

And as I journey in your shadow, in this fortress
where I see no doors left open, I am despaired princess.

The push and pull of this pace, the lift and falling down
Do this, do that, I don't know, I never knew till I frown

But rays, and the dazzling horizon drew in sunrise
This line of new beginning, ended my waiting and cries.

Oh! This is me in you, this is me without you dear
I am screaming my hearts out, it's me in the ladder.

Ziel is lost again '08

Upset + Gap = Unlucky Day

I came in my class very late and we're having an exam. When I looked at the questions, dammit! where the heck did those come from? I was staring at the 5 questions on the white board for 30 minutes, holding my pen and looking at my pad with anger. A flashing hundred point-exam that I missed to answer 80% of it. That's how my day started, so devastating. I mean, no matter how I squeeze this crabby head, it's empty! I admit, I didn't study, in fact I was drunk last night and in fact, I never scanned just one page. I left the classroom very upset. The whole day I was thinking absurdly to myself, if only I had studied, then chances to pass is way higher. Crap!

And talking about gaps, that word gets into my nerves. People are selfish, they left a used-to-be-special-person for them to forget the love that they can't have. It's really excruciating to have lost someone special because of this hideous and ridiculous feeling called "LOVE". We have our own ways to consolidate our broken heart. But turning your back as a remedy? No, that's a different story, that's selfishness. If you really still care for the person, you won't leave, right? I'm really tired of people making me feel like I'm a villain or someone who's contagious that must be avoided.

When my ex decided to walk away from me because he can't move on because I'm always around, that does it! It doesn't make sense because you can't teach your heart to beat to another person. Though feelings can be diverted but still, the one who showed the best love and the one you had loved head over heels is the one you could never forget. And also, it's true that time has the power to heal but nobody knows how long will it take you completely to get over the person.

I believe, if we set aside our feelings and concentrate to more important things such as "friendship", then drifting away from someone would not be possible. We can still find another love without leaving someone behind, as long as we accept that some things are not meant to be ours or that today is not our time. It's your damn choice to be happy! And if you think, building gaps would make you happy then you're just another fool who can't even appreciate and treasure good memories.

"Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe" blah blah blah.. so childish

Busy Days :)

June 30, 2008 Monday
Strike! Classes were suspended. Yehey!
Mom drove me back to the main city around 10 in the morning to get my comforter and have it laundered but my friend who borrowed it was still in her province so we weren't able to get it. Then night came, someone visited me.

Him: Hey, can you come with me in the rooftop?
Me: What the heck are we gonna do there?
Him: I am alone and I just needed someone to accompany me.
Me: Alright but I still have to finish my written report in Industrial Relations.
Him: I'll go with you.
OPPSSSSSSS.....! I'm gonna stop here. :)

Too bad the internet shop don't permit by standers so I asked him to just go home. Haha And besides, I don't want any complications. Paying attention to his pa cute is too risky,. :)
Ohh well...

July 1, 2008 Tuesday
First day of July! I submitted my written report. No breakfast, no lunch. Haha and I was starving. After my last subject, I went to Mandaue and waited for our service car to fetch me there. When we arrived home, I was eating like there's no tomorrow. Hahaha

July 2, 2008 Wednesday
I woke up early, of course, my class starts at 7:30 am. Then again, my mother drove me back to still get my comforter. That time, we were able to get it back. In my Training class, me and my friend (seatmate) were scolded, haha 'cause we were talking nonstop. Damn! I was just asking for assistance about what to do with her Rubik's Cube.
Finance class went well except that our group was split into two 'cause of the free riders *ehem, hahaha
Literature was fun.
Engr. Echavez was absent! Hahaha, No class in Operations Management.

Weee.. break for 3 hours! Hmm... I'm happy for her. She finally got out from someones shadow, I can see it. Take care you :)

Labor Relations was also good.
PE? never mind...
Dinner's Ngiong P6.00 and two pieces of hanging rice P6.00 plus water P3.00
Around 10 in the evening, we went to party a bit. Hey it was all expense free. Hahaha

Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

July 3, 2008 Thursday
I started the day with a mug of Milo. Hang over huh, hehehe well that's alright, as long as I'm not missing any class, that's ok. I learned a lot today about self-esteem and goals. With that, I now know how to upgrade my confidence.

July 4, 2008 Friday
Thank God it's Friday!
Wooooo... I supposed to go home tonight but it's raining. So instead, I ate my dinner. As usual, One piece of Chinese Ngoiong, two pieces of hanging rice and a free water. Hahaha Aside from learning not to complain, I learned also to drink tap water. Hahaha.
Next week by the way will be the start of our Premideterm Examination. Bring it on baby!

I can't deny the fact that I'm having a hard time managing this new life. I'm refraining myself from asking much money from my folks because I wanted to feel this moment where I'm training myself to be independent. I want to be conducive in my own ways, and that's something I can soon vouch to my family.

The World that Does not Exist

This is an old entry of mine. Wala lang, I just find this memorable. :p

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"The World that Does not Exist" - 12.16.07

I was in my deepest thought when it suddenly rained.
I went out not to bathe but to exaggerate my realizations.

I was standing in the middle of the pouring rain, freezing to death. I embraced myself to somehow be ignited. Shivering yet I've managed to praise the setting. I saw the water and trees swaying in one direction.
Then... The dark sky caught my eyes. It thundered like it was screaming at me, but it did not move me.

What was I thinking?

Obviously....... Sad past events. My inner and outer struggles. The questions I haven't figured out. The stories I've been keeping for so long. The justifying changes that I should have made long time ago. The desires I'm eager to meet. The numerous fears that demerit my system. The confusions that has been engulfing me. The truths I declined to accept. My journey, the people around me, everything. I feel like I am not moving forward and this should not continue. It's flying towards me like a cannon ball, I have to duck down to save myself. I should not be looking for someone to pull me out from where I'm into now, instead I must rise by my own feet.

As I stare above, someones image came visible.

Tears came out from my eyes. I've accepted my losing faith. It's the reality that must be lived everyday. That nothing lasts forever. We don't know whats coming but our choices will help us get some clues. Think wisely and weigh things, not to get even from destiny but to triumph over its mean judgment.

I let my sorrows be washed away by the pouring rain. Like leaving all behind without a trace. I wanted to eradicate those tormenting memories in my life. I wanted to just walk away, disappear to the people I knew and go to a place where I can be myself. I wanted to view a nature where sunrise means a real new beginning and not another form of depression. Where sunset is not a sad goodbye but just merely a goodnight.
But the harder I yearn, the harder it gets me. Even so, I know He has a better plan for me.

Then the rain stopped.

I wiped away my tears and calmed myself. I was still shivering so I asked our helper to get my left cigars in my room. I have four sticks left by the way and after handing me those, I lit em one by one until the last stick's nearly off. Then I went straight to the comfort room and cleansed my body. I scrubbed up my hands thoroughly so the smell of the cigar won't linger. Then after washing up, I brushed my teeth.

Feeling fresh and clean, that's how I wanted my life to be.
I wanted to get rid of everything that weakens me and start new.

A place....

Where I can focus.
Where it is safe to change.
Where love and pain don't go together.
Where sacrificing is not necessary whenever you release your courage.
Where mistakes don't leave marks.
And where happiness is never-ending.

Sounds pathetic but generally speaking, that is the world all of us been dreaming of.

FREE FROM SUFFERING