It Used to be Like This

i love you. that's why im willing to set you free anytime.

not because im afraid that they might discover the things your "society" never wanted, but because i wanted to see you happy even when you go away.

i love you. that's why you have to believe me.

i love you. that's why you have the freedom to doubt.

i love you. that's why you have the time to think about this.

i love you. that's why i'm giving you my heart.

i love you. that's why i'm studying this hard.

i love you. that's why i do not sleep.

i love you. that's why im trying to express this feeling that's so vague... no words can be said to explain this feeling. and unfortunately, im still lost in finding the right words to describe this.

i love you. that's why i've got nothing to say.

i love you. that's why i'm walking away..

Every time I read this message, I cannot find a way to stop my emotions from falling apart. But deleting this won't make any difference anyway. It's here, right here and this pain is unfortunately a part of me now. Thinking of how we were, God I miss a lot about you. I'd wake up early morning and check if you had a good night sleep. I would stay up late and wait 'till you're done studying. It makes me happy reading your sweet late night messages over and over again. I feel loved and appreciated. Too bad, those things will never happen again and yeah,they belong to my past now. When you've walked away, it's like hell. I have to force myself to get up and pretend I'm alright. Everyday is a dying day without you. It's lonely, it's tormenting, it's a pain in the ass not seeing you ever again. I wish I'd take those days back and you know, edit our goodbyes. It could have been prevented from happening and my longing wouldn't have been molded into sculpture made of tears.

You are the reason behind everything I do in my life. Memories keep floating in my mind or flashing out of nowhere. My thought is an abode of your illusion and there's no way to shoo them away. Your pondering words, your crazy little smiles, your innocent face, your sarcastic voice, all fresh to me to remember. You laugh like you were some child who saw someone making funny faces. You laugh at me like I was the one making funny faces. Haha. And when you sing, you sing to me... and right then again, I wish you'll never stop singing.

You just have no idea how deep you've wounded me..:( You've left me with this scar, you've left me something to remind the pain everyday. And when you walked away, you never looked back.

I found this on page 41 in my frienster inbox:

"10/18/2007 2:44 am
i'm hooked on someone...
haha.
you know who she is. :)
tell her that i love her sooo much.
okay?

-God knows how much I've loved you but you dwell now in my past and it will stay that way. So long.