Still Hanging On

You musn't be surprised why I'm still wide awake at this time around. I've just finished downloading some songs since mine got wiped out from my player. Never mind the reason, grrr...

And to enjoy my insomnia to the fullest, I browse and browse and surf and click and check until I got into his page, his image flashed in my screen. Before I knew it, silence came. Covered me up and I found myself just staring blankly for so many hours at his innocent face. A face with millions of different indeterminable sides. Who would have thought that he has a troubled heart?. He got a perfect life but all seemed not enough for him. I just can't understand why I am surrounded with things that reminds me of him, when everything I wanna do is drift away and forget the feeling. The feeling I had when we're still together. I wanna stop thinking, but then things just run towards me and slap my consciousness. Since you left, chaotic changes came. I'm struggling from this trace that you've left when you walked away. I'm starving to know what lies behind those quite times with you. With all those inconsistency decisions, I wanna know everything. I wanna hear right from your mouth why. Perhaps, I'm still holding on to your words, still looking forward to our plans. Perhaps, the blame is on me. And perhaps my friend was right, moving on is not the same thing as to getting over someone.

For months now that I've been thinking of those words that might set me free. I am trapped, tied up, caged in.. Whatever you call it, I can't get out.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I still remember how it used to be. Back when we stayed up late because that's the only time where we're out from our busy lives. The way you make me laugh and cry, it's still a wonder to me how you made it to reach the bottom of my heart. With you, I easily lost equilibrium and that shouldn't be. I am practiced to keep everything in shape and steady, for my image, for my reputation, for my personality.

...but what I've learned about love is to never doubt your feelings. Like what Bea's co-nurse said in Maalaala Mo Kaya "If mahal mo talaga sya, hindi ka dapat naguguluhan ng ganyan".

Trust the one that you love. Trust -a five letter word that's not part on my priority list. I tried to define that word secretly, for others close to me may never will understand it. And I am right, just yesterday that I hurt a friend badly. I'm tired of seeing them in pain because of my unfriendly views in life. But this is how life works for me and no matter how life has been punishing me, I still end up doing the same mistakes. They shouldn't worry much for I am old enough to take care of myself.

Frustrated and sad, I better take a nap. Sudden turns in life sometimes sickens me!:(