Deprived of Happiness

Yes, I am loved by a lot of people. But I have many misconceptions in life and because of those immaturity, I've hurt most of the people close to me. Sometimes, I sit still in one area and ponder for hours. What really am I living for? I don't even know what are those so called dreams that everyone's fond of. Those dreams that they've built to light their way. I'm not proud of myself because I've never achieved anything for them and I feel sorry for myself. But I hide this feeling for me to look strong, yes I've been pretending. Like how I flash smiles at people but deep inside, I'm criticizing them for the life that they had.

Sometimes, I push the pedal fast until it reaches me to a quiet place. Where again, I sit and ponder. I still wonder why all the lyrics in this world seems to have composed for me. I don't believe in destiny because if it's true, then why move? When we can wait for it to do it's job. Why dreams must be reached when it's written in the stars all along? And why hope when everything in this world's scripted? Ohh yeah, "life is what you make it".

HAPPY EASTER!

My life before was easier than now. I was happy with less concerns about my surrounding. It's been so long since I truly smiled and I miss that moment. Failures didn't matter to me during those times, not at all. This is not the kind of change that I want to live out. I can't function well because of the pressures that has been circling me now. Everyday, all I think is a place where I could see no one but myself. I wanna run away forever and leave everything including the people who have been with me for so long. It was Easter Sunday that I've consumed 12 sticks of cigar in just few minutes and just yesterday that I've consumed two. I've been drinking really hard also. I know I'm slowly killing myself but everything to me now is pointless. Living is pointless if one doesn't know what his/her purpose in life. I've undergone a lot of realizations lately but still, it didn't get me. I enumerated the possible reasons of why I am so despising. It's all on me to blame. I was miserable before they've met me and with that, I should stop blaming people for my miseries. -Family, friends, relationships, my childhood, people, people and more people. No it's not love, it's me.

One more try of search, I hope it would get me this time 'cause I'm so tired of giving myself a damn!